Thanks SS, I have seen Make Up Don't Break Up recommended several diffeerent places. I will definitely go and get it as I am a firm believer of knowledge.
Today:
Called H around 12:30 p.m. to ask what time he was coming home, I needed money to go to Walmart. He apologized that he took it all and said he would be home at 3:30.
At 6:00 he called and apologized for calling so late, worked late and fell asleep in his car, now stuck in traffic. Whatever!!!!!
I no longer let his lies or preconceived lies affect me. When he is not home he can do whatever he wants. I am not is mother.
He was extremely nice to me when he got home. A good friend of mine called around 9:30 (same person I went and got a tatoo with on my birthday) = he silently went up to bed. I did not run after him, I continued to talk to my friend (who by the way, logged onto this website to check out my sitch) - she was saddened to see how many people were here and was inspired by our resolve to save our marriages. She said, personally, she could not do what I have done. That's okay. I personally feel good about my descision. She said when this is all done and over with I should write a book. I declined, but I think the more articulate people here (GH, RB, Always, PL, SS, & Frank, not to mention otheres) should collaberate and possibly do this. Anyway, to not be so self centered and selfish is a good place to be right now.
Quote: She said when this is all done and over with I should write a book. I declined, but I think the more articulate people here (GH, RB, Always, PL, SS, & Frank, not to mention otheres) should collaberate and possibly do this.
Sounds fun! But I think I'd like to know how my story ends before I start writing it.
Mama, you said on Emily's thread that I had showed you how you had "single-handedly destroyed" your marriage. You and I both know that isn't true (your H did more than his share, to be sure!).
Please keep your head up. You're putting in a lot of effort. You and I are alike in that we both get tired of this and frequently want to just quit DB'ing and throw in the towel, but I believe that God has good things in store for both of us.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
I now know all the things I did wrong and have fixed those problems and know how to fix others. Problem is, how do I get H to see this? I think he is perfectly fine being good friends and that is it. When he is home we do everything together; from yard work, cleaning up the house, watching TV/movies, hanging out in the backyard, bikeriding/rollerblading with kids, the list goes on and on. Like I said before if anyone saw us they would think we were happy, the perfect couple. Sadly, we are not. I like GH, have not been intimate with my H since last November. This hurts and I don't know how to fix it.
Quote: Problem is, how do I get H to see this? I think he is perfectly fine being good friends and that is it.
I think I know the answer to this, but have you actually asked him if this is the case? I think you have, and he said yes but if not...
Anyway, I thought that too, and to a certain extent I still do but when I asked W, she said she didn't want things to be this way.
I think there are MANY reasons why it may take them time to get back to "us" on a intimate level but one of those reasons MAY be us making it a condition of the relationship at some point. Not necessarily today or next week, but sometime I think it's probably going to be up to US to get this thing going somehow.
On a related note, I know you read PM awhile back and said you didn't really like it or get much from it. I'm curious because I think a LOT of what is in the book is directly applicable to us and our sitches right now. Our inability to be comfortable with our OWN desire and that we deserve pleasure or intimacy is holding us back and that book talks a LOT about those things. I am getting a lot from it. Mind you, I am only about 1/2 way through it so maybe there are things that come later that will turn me off to it's message.
Maybe I will go back and reread it. To tell you the truth it was a bit wordy and I found it hard to comprehend at times.
I was checking out what Frank wrote on HH's thread. Really good stuff. I am that little girl, clinging to my H, waiting form him to throw me a bone. I have been doing a lot better lately though. Every day I am becoming more and more independent. Saturday took my kids to my SIL's company picnic; pony rides, face painting, caricature drawings, etc. We had a fun time. Another family outing that H wasn't a part of.
Sunday we spent the day together as a family. One thing we all did that my H really enjoyed (he is a fitness nut) is I put S4 in the trailer attached to my bike, D10 put on her rollerblades, H put on his and D9 rode her bike and we went for a really long ride. Lots of fresh air and exercise.
I really do see so much improvement and can't discard the babysteps in our R. Yes, I am dissappointed in the lack of affection (all I get is the obligatory goodnight hug at the end of the day). I do think that the more fun we have together that eventually H will get that loving feeling back, I hope so anyway.
Don't you just want to scream at the top of your lungs "WHAT's THE FREAKING PROBLEM HERE!!!!!!". I know I do. It seems as simple as that. W, tell me that the problem is and we can work to fix it. Unfortunately, I think THEY don't even know what the problem really is which is why I think time CAN work in our favor so long as we use that time to be positive and work on our own issues, applying the changes we see fit to remain moving forward and expanding OUR horizons.
Quote: Maybe I will go back and reread it. To tell you the truth it was a bit wordy and I found it hard to comprehend at times.
Yes, it is wordy but I think through all the complicated scenarios he describes and more technical stuff, there IS a strong message being sent that without differentiation/detachment (I think they're one in the same) we are destined to be let down by our relationships. It's the same message send by DB/DR but in a more sexual context.
Quote: Yes, it is wordy but I think through all the complicated scenarios he describes and more technical stuff, there IS a strong message being sent that without differentiation/detachment (I think they're one in the same) we are destined to be let down by our relationships. It's the same message send by DB/DR but in a more sexual context.
What is 'PM'? I probably know but I'm having a mental block...
Quote: I think he is perfectly fine being good friends and that is it. When he is home we do everything together...
For a couple months W was my 'friend'. She really hadn't 'decided' that she could be my wife yet. He doesn't know WHAT he is 'fine' with right now. It could change in day to something totally different. It just takes time.
Quote: Like I said before if anyone saw us they would think we were happy, the perfect couple. Sadly, we are not. I like GH, have not been intimate with my H since last November. This hurts and I don't know how to fix it.
I know that well. During that time one of W's friends remarked what a happy couple we seemed to be when we were no longer 'in our relationship'.
Quote: I was checking out what Frank wrote on HH's thread. Really good stuff. I am that little girl, clinging to my H, waiting form him to throw me a bone.
You are. You are waiting for HIM to 'go first'. So, you hold back part of yourself as a defense against getting hurt. I know how that feels. I do the same thing. But then you say...
Quote: When H went to bed last night I was tucking our S4 in bed, he said goodnight and then went in our room. A few minutes later he came back out and walked up to me and said "come here", gave me a big hug and said "this feels so good, I could fall asleep right here"
What you don't say is what you did NEXT. Here was an opportunity to put some deposits in his 'love bank'. What is his love language? DO you have an idea?
What you MIGHT have done: "H, why don't you sit on the couch and let me massage your feet / shoulders / whatever." In that INSTANT he was being open, vulnerable. He was 'peeking out of the fog'. Did you used to do things like that for him? Take advantage of those moments. And then...
Quote: So, it appears that he may be on the fence tetering back and forth. I don't want to give him any reason to lean the other way.
You DO want to give him reasons to lean THIS way. Do you touch him? Like a rub on the shoulder, a squeeze of the hand, A pat on the back? Not grabbing or holding, but small loving touches now and then. A smile, eye contact, then going on with whatever you were doing.
When he comes home do you make sure you go to greet him with a smile and a kind word? No, don't run to the door, but make sure you let him know you SEE he is there.
When you watch TV shows do you sit next to each other so you are touching? A leg, a shoulder? Do you offer to rub or massage sore muscles? All of these things build intimacy. They all add up over time.
I know it seems like you have to 'do everything' but the reality is that right now, you DO.
You said you want him to 'see' your changes, well here are some that he can't miss!
Try it. Think of things you can do that build that connection.
You probably have heard this before, but I'm gonna say it again. If you want your H to see you as sexy, you have to feel it yourself first. I don't get the sense that you feel you are a desirable person. (If I am wrong about this, I apologize.)
What makes someone sexy is not determined by looks alone. It is attitude and confidence. Do you turn yourself on? Maybe that's an odd and uncomfortable question, but I think it's an important one. If you don't find yourself sexy and desirable why would you expect someone else to?
Quote: What is 'PM'? I probably know but I'm having a mental block.
Passionate Marriage. It was recommended to me as a good book to address my intimacy issues and I'd have to say, it does present some VERY good ideas. It's main focus is on the idea that by maintaining our own "self" or differentiation as the author calls it (I call it detachment), we are able to exist in a close, emotional relationship and maintain a vibrancy/intimacy that tends to get lost when people are TOO close. His assertion that passion dies when people become too emotionally fused is pretty interesting because it's counter-intuitive to what we would think would be the case but when I look at my sitch, I see that this could very well be true.
I see this book as working VERY well with DB but it's probably better for the reconciliation stage because a LOT of is has to do with sexuality. Actually, that's what the whole book is about but I think it applies to most every aspect of marriage.
