Good for you. It's amazing that changing something small can have such an impact. The way you changed your interaction with your H when he got home reminded me of something I posted on Monica's thread that's very relevant.
Quote: I guess I've finally started learning from my mistakes and really paying attention to what my H says to me. Here's one small example. Every time he comes to our apartment I make sure he gives our cats some treats to make sure he is still connected to them. Usually I want him to give them food at the same time we are eating. You may or may not know but wet cat food can smell horrible and this in turn makes him lose his appetite. The smell doesn't bother so I don't see why he doesn't give them food right away.
Well tonight when I saw my H, as I started to say that he could feed the cats after we were done eating, he was anticipating what I usually say, that is feed the cats now, and started on his usual--I don't want to now I'll do it later. ( I don't know why this always became an issue for us because it's really such a petty thing. )
Anyway, he stopped what he was saying in mid-sentence because he realized I wasn't doing my usual thing of wanting them fed first. So I guess it doesn't have to be big things that you change. It just has to be things that are noticed and appreciated--a breaking out of negative molds and routines if you will.
It makes me sad that it took us so long to realize that we didn't have to become different people or completely change our R--we just need to tweak it a bit.
Oh, and as you were talking about the distancer/pursuer I would highly recommend "Make Up Don't Break Up."
