Mama, each time you think you're on the brink, think of us...your cheering squad, awaiting the day for more good news. You're doing so well.....it's unbelievable!
Hang in there...make us proud...I think you'll see some fast changes soon. Once he comes out of the fog, it gets faster.
Well he didn't come home early as promised. And ya know, I knew he wouldn't. His talk is cheap. When he did come home he seemed angry. I was cutting the lawn and kids were riding their bikes. I said I have something for you to cheer you up. I reached into the car and pulled out some scratch off lottery tickets and he immediately came out of his funk. Then said he was going to change clothes and he would finish the lawn.
Took our kids and one of their friends to a local 4th festival, spent way too much money. The best part was sitting in the grass listening to American English (a beatles knock off band), could have stayed there all night if not for the kids.
Our daughter tried jumping on his back and he had a heart attack, big time sun burn. Yesterday he said his shirt was NOT off at the game. How did he get the sun burned back then? He lies like a rug, that's how.
Please remind me why I am putting up with this again!!!! I may have very low self esteem, but come on, who deserves this kind of treatment? I know, I know, PMA, be the better person, have integrity and morals, yada yada yada....
I just want to call the OW up and say do you even know that H is married and has 3 children and do you even care? But I digress, I won't do this....yet.....
I WILL remain faithful to my M if not for my sake, for the sake of our children. Until the time comes when I feel that it is no longer beneficial for them to live with both their parents when one of them is so deceitful.
Anyway, hang with me and dish out the tough love. Who else will do it? Anyone that knows of my sitch thinks I should throw in the towel and throw him out. Sorry, but I am not ready to do that yet so I need you guys more than ever for support. Thank you in advance.
Don't know all your sitch. But have experienced getting advice from some, to leave the M. Not ready to. Can we really regret NOT leaving, even if all goes south, and we lose out, will we regret hanging in there so long? What is too long? Guess we all have to soul search for that.
Whatever it is, remember that each of us has to find the line between pride and self respect. Wherever that line is, is something to model for your children. They will watch what you do, how you overcome adversity, etc. The doormat issue is real for me. But for now, I hope and believe I am modelling committment and forgiveness. IF things get to the point where I can't go on, I will not stay M because I am too afraid to be D or alone. FWIW--hang in there as long as it feels authentic, and you don't think you'll regret it later. I also remind myself that my days on this earth are numbered and finite and I only get one life. I don't want to waste too much of it on a man who never gets it, suffering with this broken heart, Not "living" but hanging in Limbo too long. Yep, I know, I will work more on GAL. Cheers to that! jeannine
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks Jeannine, I definitely don't want to do something that I will later regret. I just HATE the lying. I HATE the fact that my H, who once upon a time was a loyal and honest guy with integrity that I so admired, thinks he loves someone else.
I am not afraid to be alone or divorced, what is really keeping me here is 1) my love for my H, 2) my children's love for their father,3) my hope that he will realize how much we all love him & 4) that he realizes how much he loves us.
I will continue to suffer my broken heart in silence (and on this board) from the daily betrayals.
In the meantime I will enjoy my time with my children and thank God everyday for all that I do have.
Hang in there Mama! Every one can tell you what you should do, but you have to remember that they are not in your shoes. Only you can know what is right or wrong for you. The way I look at it is that you will have pain and hurt one way or the other, sorry! So instead of dweling on it, pick yourself up and GAL and work on yourself. I know that this doesn't make it any easier, but it can and does help.
"Our life is what our thoughts make it."
Marcus Aurelius
Quote: Please remind me why I am putting up with this again!!!!
I may have very low self esteem, but come on, who deserves this kind of treatment? I know, I know, PMA, be the better person, have integrity and morals, yada yada yada....
He has lower self esteem. If he had higher self esteem he'd just TELL you how he got the sunburn. And he wouldn't need OW to help him feel good about himself.
It's that dream world they live in - the one where the OP has no problems, no issues and life is perfectly grand. It doesn't last, it can't last. It isn't real.
Quote: I just want to call the OW up and say do you even know that H is married and has 3 children and do you even care?
It doesn't matter. She isn't the issue, he is. She is just a player in a drama created for his own ego to hang on to. And HE is a player in her drama. They are both lost.
If you called her, you'd give her a reason to yap about you to him, and it would just piss him off. After all, you're trying to deconstruct HIS fantasy. He has to do that on his own, and you have to stay out of the way.
Quote: Anyway, hang with me and dish out the tough love. Who else will do it? Anyone that knows of my sitch thinks I should throw in the towel and throw him out. Sorry, but I am not ready to do that yet so I need you guys more than ever for support.
You don't need tough love thrown at you. You already know what to do. We support you in DOING it.
Besides, ask yourself this: Have you EARNED the right to leave? Have you done all that you can do? Maybe you have, I don't know. It seems like it's moving forward, not stuck and not going backwards.
You can stay neutral and let it play itself out. Focus on where YOUR life is going to go. I know it's easy for me to say, and not so easy for you to do. You will though. It's who you are.
Oh, one other thing. With my W I saw her sneaking around to talk to OM on her cell phone or via messaging on her computer. WHen she tried to hide it from me I just firmly told her to 'take it somewhere else because I didn't want to be insulted by her adultery in our childrens home'.
That shocked her, and she became very aware that I wasn't a wimpy 'take it' kind of person. I wasn't going to tell her how to live with her affair, but I also wasn't going to allow her to insult me or the sanctity of our children's home.
In my experience, when someone continues to insult me by lying to me, I just call them on it. I don't ask for an explanation I just simply call it out into the open. LIke with him I might say "I don't care if you were with OW. I find it more insulting that you lie about it than if you were just to say NOTHING instead. When you LIE you insult both of us. I would rather you just say nothing."
It establishes rules, respect and your dignity. You aren't saying what he did with OW is wrong (he already knows that) you're saying what he is doing with YOU is wrong. He doesn't seem to know that part yet.
Frank, Thank you so much for stopping by my thread. I have heard that you are an excellent DB'er and I know that GH and many others have much admiration for you.
Quote: You can stay neutral and let it play itself out. Focus on where YOUR life is going to go. I know it's easy for me to say, and not so easy for you to do. You will though. It's who you are.
Frank, this is EXACTLY what I have been trying to do. And yes, it is mighty hard at times.
Saturday kids and I had another garage sale, my neighbor was off so he hung out and helped me. When H called on his way home, stopped for a beer, again, I stated I wanted to pick him up a six pack for helping me. I know it was very passive/aggressive. H got mad and called me a bitch for trying to make him feel quilty and hung up. I called him right back and he somewhat calmed down and said he would stop and pick it up as he knows it is hard to have a garage sale on my own. I said, what is up with you? Do you want to work on our relationship or not? He said "why, cause I got mad at you?" then realized I was talking about the bigger picture. He said, things are good between us and that he would like us to be happy too. I left it at that. Proceeded to have a good rest of the day. Sunday, Monday and Tuesday all were good, but uneventful in the R department.
I know I can't control what H does when he is away from home, so I am going to remain in neutral and go with the flow as far a he and I are concerned. I will continue to do great things for myself and have fun with my kids and friends.
Quote: He has lower self esteem. If he had higher self esteem he'd just TELL you how he got the sunburn. And he wouldn't need OW to help him feel good about himself.
This is key. This is something H has to deal with all on his own, in his cave, without help or advice from me (unless he asks for it).
The following is my horoscope for today, if the shoe fits...
"You have control over most of the elements in your life right now, but a few are still beyond your capacity to deal with. This may be a very frustrating fact, but it's a fact nonetheless. Try to look upon this loss of control as a freeing thing -- just let go and watch things happen for a while. There is a good change coming soon that could trigger a major turning point. It's all about being a passive spectator until it comes. Enjoy the show and roll with the punches.
I started reading "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner yesterday. It repeats alot of what is in DR. It is worth reading.
I consciencly made an effort yesterday to NOT be the pursurer, i.e. I did not call H at work like I usually do. He came home a little later than usual, I did not react or ask him where he was. I didn't following him upstairs while he changed (learned this from Mars/Venus - give him space when he gets home). He asked me to sit outside with him. Got along great!! No pressure. One thing I did notice was that his wedding ring was on again. This really made me happy!!!! While he was playing and talking with the kids and their friends I could really see that he enjoyed it - like "ya know, THIS is my life and it's great".
I just want to tell everyone that stops by that I wouldn't be where I am today without all of their help!!! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!
Good for you. It's amazing that changing something small can have such an impact. The way you changed your interaction with your H when he got home reminded me of something I posted on Monica's thread that's very relevant.
Quote: I guess I've finally started learning from my mistakes and really paying attention to what my H says to me. Here's one small example. Every time he comes to our apartment I make sure he gives our cats some treats to make sure he is still connected to them. Usually I want him to give them food at the same time we are eating. You may or may not know but wet cat food can smell horrible and this in turn makes him lose his appetite. The smell doesn't bother so I don't see why he doesn't give them food right away.
Well tonight when I saw my H, as I started to say that he could feed the cats after we were done eating, he was anticipating what I usually say, that is feed the cats now, and started on his usual--I don't want to now I'll do it later. ( I don't know why this always became an issue for us because it's really such a petty thing. )
Anyway, he stopped what he was saying in mid-sentence because he realized I wasn't doing my usual thing of wanting them fed first. So I guess it doesn't have to be big things that you change. It just has to be things that are noticed and appreciated--a breaking out of negative molds and routines if you will.
It makes me sad that it took us so long to realize that we didn't have to become different people or completely change our R--we just need to tweak it a bit.
Oh, and as you were talking about the distancer/pursuer I would highly recommend "Make Up Don't Break Up."
