Get out of jail FREE!

[KAW]

Hi Carol,
Thank you for joining in. Could you tell me the titles of the John Gottman's books you mentioned. I would be interested in reading them.

'til later,
KAW

[KAW]

Hi Carol,
Thank you for joining in. Could you tell me the titles of the John Gottman's books you mentioned. I would be interested in reading them.

'til later,
KAW

[KAW]

Well just came back from vacation w/ W and youngest D. Overall, I believe a good time had by all, but there lies my problem. W tells me she was having a good time, but just before we left I discovered a "journal" she had started. (She left it out in plain sight.) It only had three entries. The first was at the beginning of June, when she was still struggling to arrange to leave. Lots of anger and hostility, most of it towards me and how she wants to leave me. There are no more entries during the time she changed her mind and want to work again on the M during the middle of the month and when we decided to plan the vacation.

Then two more entries made just before I found the book are about how she hates to keep pretending she is in love with me and being happy.
That she misses her "friend" (OM) and wishes she can talk to him again (even tho he treats her like sh*t.) This is a new one! She always led me to believe he made here feel happy and alive & I was the one who made her feel like crap.

In the last entry, she continued to express her doubts if she would ever feel happy and in love with me and having to keep pretending such, but did mention that "things were changing".

This was a real blow to my PMA and brought on a whirl of insecurities that I have still yet to shake. She is showing more and more affection towards me as the days past, but I keep wondering "Is it genuine and is she pretending?!" This doubt seems to be growing instead of diminshing because I just can't seem to tell. I have not confronted her about the entries about pretending, and when I ask for assurances, she says everthing is OK, but I don't feel any better. Compared to most sitchs on this BB my wife made a whirlwind turnaround from "must get away from him" to in just two weeks later, telling me "she is falling in love with me" to two more weeks later doubting if she will ever love me, but continuing to pretend to love me. However, lately she initates most affections and expresses how she likes it. It just seems too quick to be real!? The doubts and insecurities still persist and are growing. When will I know her actions of affection are genuine?

[tbone]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I want my M to work so I am going to enjoy the good times and hope that our feelings stengthen. There really isn't a choice is there. Feelings change but you have to let them. Don't worry about her feelings just enjoy what you have right now. Don't worry whether it is going to end or it probably will. I want my M to work but that is not my priority. My priority is to have fun with my W and enjoy myself. That will probably lead to a better M now shouldn't it. Don't worry about winning the race, worry about how well you are running in the race.

TBONE

[KAW]

Been catching up on the most active threads since I'm back from vacation. There definately seems to be a common thread running thru them lately (Does anyone else see it?). Most (Me included) seem to be having trouble accepting our S refound commitments to M and worry that their S is only acting "As-If" things are fine. This is truly an ironic reversal of roles!! Why are we having such a difficult time accepting our S 180?!!

[KAW]

I'm beginning to think I should change my ID to "THREAD KILLER". Each thread I had replied to last week has ceased in activity. This is not helping my bloated ego (Just kidding for those who don't know me well enough to know otherwise...)

[KAW]

This week has led me to believe that we have moved beyond Piecing Our Marriage... to actually mending the pieces together. Things that have occured this week:

- When I come home from work each day this week, W tells me she has missed me during the day.

- Has started to do more & more of the little things for me. This is a big one! and I am making sure she knows that I have noticed and appreciate them.

- Every last knic-knac that was packed up for the big move in June has been unpacked and put back exactly where it was before and all empty box were removed from the house and thrown out in the trash.

I truely believe the rollercoaster cycle has been broken and my insecurities are fading away. As long as things continue this way, I believe I too will fade away from this board. So in part too, as there seems to be little interest in my posts, I will close this thread with this posting and may just go back to lurking for a while...

To Andy and Tbone: Thank You for your inputs. I truely believe they have help me stay on the straight and narrow path I have taken. I wish you all the best in your endeavors, as do I for all on this board. I have really learned alot from here and am forever in your debt...

Best wishes,
KAW

[treesa2]

Kaw... keep coming back...and posting...and talking and coaching others through your experience. This went rather quickly too... most take waaaaaay over a year to cycle into some kind fo real R thingys....

Your feelings and exp[ereinces will help other guys who want to quite too quickly.

I read that somewhere... men leave relationships too quickly and women hang on too long.... hmmmm

You have lots to contribute so do stick around ok?

tree

[KAW]

Thanks tree. That's kinda of what I needed to help boost my PMA. I wasn't getting many visitors here and I don't feel I really have much to offer to others lately, so I was getting kinda down and I didn't want that to effect the home life.

My biggest insecurity is that my sich was such a quick leap compared to everyone else here that it cann't be for real!

I am battle with my PMA right now as well because on Monday evening, I walked in the room to see my W writing again in her journal. This occurrs when she is troubled. I could fight the urge to snoop and discovered in her recent entry that she has seen OM again last week and asked for him to come over! Snooped some more to find out she first contacted him on 7/25!! She wrote although he seem enthused to see her, he hasn't called back or shown up. The new wrinkle is that she wrote now that she loves us both and questioned why she shouldn't be able to have both of us!!

I'm trying to interpret this as a fantasy wish, but I fear she might act upon this just the same, she did admit to having a PA with him earlier. I'm trying to remain calm and not "freak-out" over this and it seems to help to know that he seem to be encouraging more contact.

I pondering what I have to do from here. I know I must continue to make myself even more attractive to her but how. All she hinted to in her journal is that he always smells so good! I could really use some feedback for others right now...

'til later,
KAW

[tbone]

I would like to make it illegal for anyone to say they have "graduated" from this board because all it does is jinx us. Sorry to hear the news Kaw. What to do? IGNORE IT. It is still all about you and your actions. You can't stop the "fantasy", all you can do is join it. The alternative is to ask "are you contacting him?". The answer will be no and then you will be angry because she is betraying you and lying to you. Oh yeah, and then she knows that you snooped. I have been there and you don't want any part of it. All I really can be sure of is what not to do.

You are in a really tough spot but at least he isn't contacting her. It will take time to convinve her through your actions and behavior that you are the one. Settle in for a long battle and pace yourself. Don't let her get you too low or too high. I screw this up all the time. Human nature is to want what we can't have. That is affecting both of you right now. It sounds like a physical attraction thing for her so I guess my only thought is work on that. That is something that helped me "keep her home".

Hey , if I hear you are snooping anymore I will have to come over and rough you up. It is torture that you do not need and will take you further away from your goal. I promise. I have been there myself.

TBONE