The tears are coming back. Went to physical therapy for a recurring shoulder problem. It is in my H building so I stopped by to see him. He did seem genuinely glad to see me. There was going to be a party for his coworkers and he invited me. One of the coworkers is someone who my H has told that I get upset when he works late. This guy's response was something that bolstered the whole idea that I am unreasonably demanding. I AM NOT UPSET ABOUT HIS WORKING. I wouldn't care how much he worked if he would stay in touch. I know about lots of couples who hardly ever see each other but they stay close with loving phone calls, e-mails, and quality conversation during their time together. They are a team. My H views me alternately as the opposition and the job coach and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. From what he told me of their conversation it sounded to me that he has this guy thinking I'm the opposition. (He doesn't tell other people about the endless hours I've listened to his various work stories. Yes, I am angry! But NOT about listening to the stories, I'm angry because after all that I still get cast as the obstacle). I couldn't go because I started crying. It was not possible to hold back the tears. I told my H I wasn't feeling well and wasn't up to seeing all these people at the party. He seemed to think this was some kind of oppositional, disloyal behavior on my part also. I doubt he saw the tears.
I will be visiting my daughter and babysitting our granddaughter for almost 3 weeks in July. This has been pretty routine since we moved and was part of the deal for moving. I have told him that when I'm away I'd like to talk to him frequently but when I called he usually seemed bothered so I've stopped calling. He calls very rarely.
I'd really like to go back to the marriage counselor but he won't go. It feels impossible to get him to understand that I don't want to keep him from work. I know how important that is to him and want him to reach his dreams. I've sacrificed a lot for his dreams, without a second thought, because I love him and want him to get what he wants. All I want is for us to keep connected. If we don't, I think it is just a matter of time until he has another affair. I won't have an affair, can be happy about other things in my life but I don't want to spend the rest of my life putting so much energy into this marriage.
Guess I'll take another prozac. May even have to start it up again. I'm allergic to Wellbutrin and prozac blocks me sexually but that's better than frequent,uncontrolable crying.
A real 180 for me would be to stop thinking about my marriage!
