This is supposed to be the last night my H works late. His project is due tomorrow. The truth is that I feel so abandoned by him and so accused of standing between him and his work that it’s going to be stressful to deal with him being around. When he is home he tends to veg out in front of the TV. It feels like he only has energy for work. Tomorrow we can watch Ireland on PBS. That will bring back some very god memories. Perhaps I should suggest a movie Thurs. I am going to be involved in a community project early that eve so we could get a bite first. That might help me ease into having him around.
I checked out marriage builders on these issues. Going to that sight makes me realize I don’t have a partner yet. My H is not interested in “points of joint agreement”. That site goes in for really being a couple. That sounds great to me but you have to have a cooperative partner for that. Sometimes I worry if the going the independent, make yourself happy route, doesn’t end up looking like Bill and Hillary’s marriage. When your spouse really doesn’t care about your needs, it seems to me that you can’t avoid some resentment. That’s how I read the marriage builder’s site anyway. It isn’t that my H doesn’t care about me, he simply puts his career first (and sometimes second, third, and fourth). If there was an emergency in the family, he would be there. If things were going well for him at work, he says he would be with me more but I think that would mean he’d be in the house watching TV. He is doing his best. He just doesn’t know any better, wants it to stay that way and wants me to be happy with things just like they are. I’d like to bring him along some because I really believe we could both be much happier.
OK. How to take that to a PMA…………. Well it would probably help to have a realistic expectation: Chances are he will always work like this at least from time to time. It is not the working, it’s the hostility that bothers me. People can stay connected even if they are very busy. He manages to keep up with the news very well could it just not be occurring to him to keep up with his wife? Could I find some creative ways to do this without interrupting? Hmmmm
How about some limits and boundaries? I will never know if all he is doing is working. With the way he is acting now combined with his history, Mother Teresa couldn’t trust the guy. That’s where my mid-nuptial agreement post comes in. That may not sound so positive but I’ve not been good about protecting myself. Maybe it is time. During the affair we made a huge investment in a house and when my H was fired we lost it all. His denial was so strong, he used absolutely no sense. I believe he has changed but that is so concerning. Now we are looking at buying another house. I’d like to be wise about this.
It would be very sad to break our family apart (my granddaughter is as close to having a child as he will ever get and loves him). I love him and want always to treat him well no matter what but truly I’d rather be alone than work through another affair. That agreement, especially if I managed to act very loving and kind to him but kind to me too, would give me a chance to say that perhaps clearer than anything else could.
With limits firmly in place, I think I could go back to my quiet, single person life style when needed and enjoy him when he is available to be enjoyed. That still is not my first choice but I might not get my first choice. Think I’ll leave him on the couch next time he parks there and go do something more interesting. Maybe I’ll find ways to influence him toward that first choice vision as I go along because I think he would like it too and just doesn’t know that it’s possible.
