I wrote a long piece last night but got bumped off-line before it was finished. Lost it all. So now I'm writing on my WP and pasting! Your questions, my lost writing (you know, now I realize, it really was only half-baked stuff!) and all I’ve learned resulted in coming up with a plan that I followed up on this am.

The Realization.

The essential, primary responsibility I have is to take care of myself especially when I start to feel down on me. If I don't do this I'm worthless to do anything else constructive. When I start to feel down on me I have to do something even if it’s not pretty. Hopefully I will get more and more graceful and mature about this over time but right now #1 is to do something. Furthermore, this needs to be done in a way that has absolutely no dependence on my h’s reaction. Actually--BIG PAT ON MY BACK [Big Grin] a lot of the time I can do this pretty damn well!!! I can express love and understanding for my h but also sets a rock solid boundary for myself. He can think anything he wants to about me but I don’t have to buy into it. Sometimes in this struggle to hold my ground I might need to verbalize all this. One of those times was today. This involves me stating my position and simply holding it. He can react or not react any way he wants.

The Follow-through.

So this morning I:
1. offered honest compliments (he deserves plenty of compliments! and he tells me that it really helps when I verbalize them),

2. made appreciative statements (I am appreciative and I understand that his priorities at this time don’t allow him to think much about us—it is very impressive that he has learned as much as he has about being a loving husband over these last three years), AND

3. IMHO pretty darned skillfully interspersed some strong statements of boundaries that I really needed to state.

The Midstream Confidence Booster.

I can do this because: 1. I was a divorced parent since my daughter was 1, my h and I married 10 years ago when she was 18. I know how to live without a mate. 2. I am blessed with many people who love me and a husband who looks to me like he is doing the best catch-up job he can figure. 3. By the Grace that is, I have been allowed to learn. 4. I love people and I love myself.

The Result.

My h gave me that, all too familiar, “I am the bad little boy and you are the big MEAN parent” look BUT I DIDN’T BUY IT!!! If he is still trapped in confusing me with his abusive father it sure isn’t going to help either one of us for me to fall into that trap too!

The Lesson.

I can be compassionate, I can realize that he isn’t choosing this point of view—he’s just stuck at the moment. Furthermore, I can realize that I get stuck in blind spots also and do my best to recognize them and to not hurt anyone with them. Blind spots are just part of the human condition—getting out of them even for a moment is Grace.

Here and Now.

So here I go with a new day, a new victory, a new humility, a new appreciation and I’ll do my best to hold on and calm down with it all and use it!!!

PS
Notes about our situation.

My H is working so hard so he can do the work he wants to do. He is a researcher who is being buried in other responsibilities because he hasn’t gotten the grants that would relieve him of those other responsibilities. His ultimate goal is not wealth, it is to make some startling discovery in his field. I respect that this is pretty much his number one goal in life at this time and have always known that if it were between me and work, I’d loose! I would love it if he chose a less stressful way to go about all this, and think we’d both be happier if he lowered his sites a bit, but that ain’t happening. MLC is strongly at work here because my h expected to be much further along in his career than he is. To be honest, I feel alternating anger and compassion for why this is true. The anger we both feel for his missteps is reasonable but it sure isn’t going to help anything. Gotta use that energy to do our best to make things better NOW.

We share a wide range of interests and hobbies and have a few separate ones as well. I have come to realize that if we are going to spend relaxing time together that is not connected with his business travel, I need to plan it…so last night I looked into a stay in Oct at a B&B near an arts and music festival that we both love. He was delighted.

I have not worked professionally for about 5 years. The main reason I stopped my professional work was that I lost confidence in myself. After I stopped paid work, I spent my time taking care of every detail of life so that my h could do nothing but concentrate on work, I helped him with his work (mostly the boring clean up the mess parts and a little editing), did some volunteer work to keep a little connection with my profession, and MY FAVORITE, spent a lot of time baby sitting my granddaughter.

Time to go look for a house. Will write more later. Must be careful because in the last 3 years I have spent a huge amount of time writing, reading, obsessing, panicking, agonizing--you all know!!! Trying to get back to some semblance of balance, making progress, have a long way to go!

Thank you all so much for extending yourselves to me in thought and word. Boy, do I have strong well wishes for you all!

2L