I agree with you Rayanne. I know that W does too. Perhaps “atone” isn’t the right word. I guess I’m just trying to do the right thing. To avoid making the same mistakes over and over again.
What you and JJ said didn’t hurt my feelings. You’re right. She can do whatever she wants, and if that means “getting her act together” that’s her decision to make.
However, I have to remind you that she’s very tired. Her bike trip (very rigorous. Lotsa wind, etc.) didn’t help. After my blowout, she couldn’t sleep. Didn’t help. When her brother came to town, she was up late to entertain him. A little too much wine didn’t help. Just too much stuff.
This morning, she didn’t really wake up for our morning coffee. Later she called me at work to see how I was doing. She also mentioned the above reasons for being tired.
Sometimes I really think that Lily’s right about hormone imbalance, too. She mentioned that she tried to get a doctor appointment about her fatigue. She also said that she’s gonna cut out the drinking. That should all help.
But I think she’s in a bit of a slump right now, and I’m certainly not helping.
Lotsa good thoughts there, JJ.
I’m having a problem with determining the level of “openness” I can attempt. In the past, I used to hold onto my feelings and blow up later. W told me how much she disliked this. When I burned out, I figured that I’d be totally open. Being in the middle of a nervous breakdown is not the best time to attempt openness.
Now, we have so little time together (alone) that I don’t want to put a negative tone on what time we have. Pretty much the only time we’re alone is in our morning coffee routine. As I mentioned, she’s not always very lucid, and even when she is, I really don’t want to start the day by dumping my feelings, y’know?
When something happens that bothers me, we don’t have the privacy to talk about it. I used to haul her aside for a private talk, but she’d turn her back on me as soon as she detected negativity.
I know there’re lotsa techniques to keep the tone positive, but some of my issues have been going on since my depression, and no matter how I phrase it, she hears it in a negative light.
Right now, the only thing I can think of is to keep things light.
Of course, since she reads me like a book. That means that I have to keep my thoughts light too.
Haven’t been very good at that lately. Gotta try harder.
