Random thoughts...

Glad that you recognize and are taking appropriate measures to change what you know may likely happen. Excellent for you.

I thought we would need all this councelling and all these specific steps before we could get on the road to reconciliation. What I've learned instead is that as time and changes take effect, the need for any of that seems to be moot.

As for old hurts coloring current life. Well, if there's anything current then it's not old hurts. It's current ongoing hurts and that stuff needs to be dealt with. If it's old stuff where there's still just hurt then it needs to be let go of. IGgy has dug himself into so many holes by beating himself up and them shutting me down regardless of what I actually said or did... to protect himself. He figured he beat himself up good enough and he wasn't going to expose himself to even the possibility of my beating up on him too. Result was he kept doing what he did and I got angry cause I had no outlet and we both got angry cause there was no change.

Just yesterday he said "you know we need to start getting to the bottom of some of these things" and I said "yes we do, but what's the point if you talk and I get shut down?" He said "touche" and tabled it for now.

I can't say that I dislike your wife. There was a time not so long ago that I might have...but honestly I think the two of you have learned your "roles" so well for so long...I bet you could agree you've been the perfect foil for her over the years and that it's hard for both of you to just let it go and learn new roles. I know that you had a really hard time letting go of a lot of things (I say as a friend). If you're human (and I'm pretty sure you are [Wink] ) - you're gonna be drawn back to it. Here lateley it seems a whole mess of us are in the same boat. I've been struggling with my old ways and losing some ground but a lot of my changes have taken pretty good hold. IGgy has been surprising the shit out of me again with his good changes lately. Not to say that it's great cause it's rough but he's really trying.

It took several years and a lot of really hard stuff to get here. And quite honestly we've talked our way thru a lot of it. Not about specific things but about behavior (we cannot interact like this. I need you to hug me. Can we go for a walk, etc). It's not avoiding the specifics but really learning that there's a time for everything and it ain't now. And in some cases it doesn't have to be [Smile] .