Balance

[Duchess]

I didn't realise you had stopped taking Wellbutrin..this explains things.

quote:Originally posted by ANS:


I don't want to do this again!!!!!

I know I know boy do I know ..I have SO been there

Take it one hour/minute at time if you have to..one foot in front of the other..you are taking some action..you feel lousy and you ARE doing something.

(((((((((Andy.))))))))

Duchess

[ANS]

Thanks for the hug, Duchess. But please don’t read too much into my starting the wellbutrin. I’m not really headed back to depression despite my panicky post from yesterday. I’m keeping close tabs on my feelings, and especially my symptoms. They come back from time to time, and then go away. When this happens, I hit the wellbutrin just in case, but I’m not going off the deep end.

No disrespect meant to anyone about the “deep end” crack. When my depression hit, I literally lost touch with reality. I’m not headed there now.

Last night, as I mentioned, BIL came to town. He told W that he had tickets to Supertramp. She practically begged him to take her.

So, I called her today and asked her to the concert when they come to our town. She asked me if I wanted to invite the “other couples” She said it was up to me. So, I told her that I’d rather not.

Yes, Duchess. I AM doing something

It’s kinda funny, but BIL is recovering from a burnout. Last night, we compared notes. Of course, this didn’t leave W out. She’s been there too. It’s odd, though, that talking about depression helped me to avert a renewal of mine

[treesa2]

Drugs in your case are a good thing Andy. Recognizing the downward spiral and doing something before it really takes you down the drain fast is a very smart thing to do.

This not knowing how or what to do.... is why the counsellors and therapists were invented. Your W my H. Won't go, won't consider it, don't think they need it, but it's EXACTLY these situations that they were intended for! sigh.... Any chance she would reconsider? A good pro marriage type might help her facilitate and explore why she feels as she does. Tough job... this too shall pass. ( broken record again!)

HUGS from me too.
tree

[ANS]

Yeah, tree. The first time around, I was blind-sided. Ain't gonna let that happen again. If I start the meds and things get better, then nothing lost. If I don't... Don't wanna even think about it.

As to a C. I don't think she'd go for it. She knows why she feels the way she does. And frankly, I think "exploring" it would just be picking at the sore.

In any case, she sees C as a way for me to get what I want. Someone who will tell her how to behave.

My blowout was just like the OR talks on my old threads, eh?

But there's a slight difference. Her tone was much more sympathetic this time. When she told me that she still wasn't attracted to me, she said, "I know it sucks to hear this, but that's just the way it is right now."

But, it did suck to hear it. That's what I was referring to when I posted that I was afraid to ask lest I hear something I don't want to hear.

Well, I heard it (sigh)

Andy

[RMC]

You know, I REALLY don't like your wife much. Sorry Andy, maybe if I knew her I'd see a different side, but she sounds like an all about herself person.(I know, she takes good care of the kids)
Sorry-I just like you too much, and the women on here only wish they had husbands half as caring and sensitive as you. Now....don't go defending her..She hurt you, and that pisses me off. Sorry, I've had a glass of wine and I tend to say what I think when I drink. Gets me in trouble sometimes.
TO tell you she's not attracted to you??? What does that mean? Sexually, intellectually, what?
Is she attracted to to other men that you can tell? I know you say she has alot of men friends. Well-SORRY-that spells T-R-O-U-B-L-E
Especially if she does not include you. You really do have the patience of Job-no kidding.
Andy.....you are an attractive person and I've NEVER EVEN SEEN YOU!! That,you can beleive. Rachel M.

Rachel M,
I know what you are saying. she pis**es me off too. (Sorry ANS!)

I was going to tell you to check the link on his post from June 12th, but for some reason it isn't working. It was. Had a really nice photo of Andy and his motercycle. Definitely nice on the outside too. ;)His W must be blind.

rayanne

[RMC]

OK Andy-work your magic-I want to see you with your motorcycle please!! Rachael M.

Heavens, I should be able to spell "motorcycle"!
H used to race them.

[Phoenix]

Random thoughts...

Glad that you recognize and are taking appropriate measures to change what you know may likely happen. Excellent for you.

I thought we would need all this councelling and all these specific steps before we could get on the road to reconciliation. What I've learned instead is that as time and changes take effect, the need for any of that seems to be moot.

As for old hurts coloring current life. Well, if there's anything current then it's not old hurts. It's current ongoing hurts and that stuff needs to be dealt with. If it's old stuff where there's still just hurt then it needs to be let go of. IGgy has dug himself into so many holes by beating himself up and them shutting me down regardless of what I actually said or did... to protect himself. He figured he beat himself up good enough and he wasn't going to expose himself to even the possibility of my beating up on him too. Result was he kept doing what he did and I got angry cause I had no outlet and we both got angry cause there was no change.

Just yesterday he said "you know we need to start getting to the bottom of some of these things" and I said "yes we do, but what's the point if you talk and I get shut down?" He said "touche" and tabled it for now.

I can't say that I dislike your wife. There was a time not so long ago that I might have...but honestly I think the two of you have learned your "roles" so well for so long...I bet you could agree you've been the perfect foil for her over the years and that it's hard for both of you to just let it go and learn new roles. I know that you had a really hard time letting go of a lot of things (I say as a friend). If you're human (and I'm pretty sure you are ) - you're gonna be drawn back to it. Here lateley it seems a whole mess of us are in the same boat. I've been struggling with my old ways and losing some ground but a lot of my changes have taken pretty good hold. IGgy has been surprising the shit out of me again with his good changes lately. Not to say that it's great cause it's rough but he's really trying.

It took several years and a lot of really hard stuff to get here. And quite honestly we've talked our way thru a lot of it. Not about specific things but about behavior (we cannot interact like this. I need you to hug me. Can we go for a walk, etc). It's not avoiding the specifics but really learning that there's a time for everything and it ain't now. And in some cases it doesn't have to be .

[ANS]

quote:Originally posted by Rachael M:

Now....don't go defending her..She hurt you, and that pisses me off.

Well, Rachael, I’m going to defend her anyway.

We’ve been together for 23 years. She spent the first 20 of those dedicated to me, and eventually to our family. She never put herself first. I always told her to do so, but frankly, I was putting myself first (to set an example?) and therefore didn’t seem to be backing up my words with my actions. I didn’t treat her like she had a right to put herself first.

One thing she told me Monday was that she always put me on a pedestal. When she finally acknowledged my imperfection, it was a big fall for both of us.

Maybe a lot of women around here would like an H half as sensitive as me, but ironically, so would my W. I’m waaaaaaaaaaaay too sensitive. Maybe all those years on a pedestal made me a little too secure. Maybe I’m just trying to climb back up. It was nice up there.

She never exactly told me that she wasn’t attracted to me. She lost her libido. At times, she says she doesn’t know why. At other times, she says it’s me. She’s told me that she isn’t attracted to anyone. I shouldn’t take it personally. But, like I said, I’m a little too sensitive. I take it personally.

As usual, Fille, you’re bang on.

We got stuck in our roles. Our roles weren’t exactly as you figured. Actually, it was W who beat herself up over the years, and my role was to comfort and placate. Well, eventually it all came off as rather condescending. W decided to break out of her role. That left me without a role. I guess I’ve been looking for one ever since. Problem is that W thinks I’m looking for a way to go back to the old roles.

quote:Originally posted by Fille:

… really learning that there's a time for everything and it ain't now. And in some cases it doesn't have to be

To take this a little out of context (but not much), what I’d like to learn and for W to understand is that things are never all-or-nothing. Like Fille said, there’s a time for everything. That time may not be now.

Something else that’s not all-or-nothing is the value of our “old” R. In the long run, it wasn’t working. But that’s a generalization. There are aspects that are worth keeping – as long as they don’t overpower other things. Mutual support isn’t the same thing as codependence. Concentrating on each other’s positive traits isn’t the same thing as putting each other on pedestals.

TTFN,
Andy