I’ve always thought of guilt and resentment as destructive emotions. I’ve always managed to control these emotions. Nipped them in the bud. So all of this is new to me. I’m wracked with guilt and I’m handling it badly.
I don’t consider the latest developments as a backslide. On the contrary, the tone of these discussions is not negative at all. W has issues with me that she wants to resolve. There’s nothing I can do at this point to help her. I can’t unring the bell. We both know that. She’s always had respect for our M. I’ve never doubted that. And though it ebbed and flowed a little, she’s always had respect for me too. She’s never wanted to hold ill feelings against me and I’ve never doubted that either.
But she does have ill feelings. That’s something that’s new to her, too and I don’t know if she can overcome them.
I know there are tons of people who can throw my words back at me. I’ve posted countless times that once the SO has the will, s/he’ll find a way. But, like I said, neither of us knows how to deal with these feelings. There’s no way to reason our way out of them. I also know that the worst thing I can do right now is to dwell on it. But right now, I just can’t control my feelings.
Yeah, Nicole. It’s all emotions.
Sorry gang. I know it sounds hypercritical for me to say it, but I just can’t get over it.
