You know, and this is just me, but at this point I'd just walk up to her and say "I need this" and I'd put my arms around her and hold her and go from there. Regardless of her reaction.
But then again, you gotta remember where I come from and what my sit has all been about. All my experience showed that however I let him treat me was how he was gonna treat me. And quite honestly for a long time - my not letting him still garnered the same treatment. But I'd rather honestly be alone than live that way and his proposal (thru actions) was that was what life with him was gonna be about.
Not trying to push you. It's just my perspective. There are a lot of mitigating circumstances in your home. I just know that sometimes our SOs need a jolt ...even in our old ways (if they've worked before).
Well, last night it came to a head. I couldn't stand it anymore and I blew.
It was not a pretty sight. This morning, W suggested we needed a break. I should go "visit" my sister for awhile.
Anyway, we talked a little more. I appologized, and things seem OK.
Sounds like I rolled over again, eh? Well, it's not so bad. The upshot is that I told her that I wanted things. Some of these things appear to be in conflict with what she wants, and I've been trying to accomodate her.
It so often happens that she asks me if something's OK. I'm not OK with it, but I should be, so I say yes, it's OK. However, she can always tell that it's not OK.
This morning I explained that to her. I told her that I was trying very hard not to be selfish. I don't want to be selfish, and I don't want her to think of me as selfish.
But, sometimes, I want her to do things despite the fact that I'm not "OK" with it.
I don't know if I'm explaining this right, but I explainded it pretty well to her.
Please tell us that you apologized for how you said it not what you said. Don't give up the right to your feelings and thoughts.
I certainly can't see you being selfish and if she does she is warped. I hope she sees how much effort you put into your R. I know you will find a way to maintain your "balance".
Hi Andy - you did good ok? It may not have been pretty on either side but it's not all on you. One thing I noticed pretty quickly once I got less emotionally involved in my drama was that we were both pretty shakey on our feet.
Also from experience...It was the times like these that seemed to foster the most actual growth. In no way is that a reason to instigate and harrass and pummel...but this is totally different from that.
I think I get what you tried to explain. Like you said, the fact that she got is was what was important. Give her a little time to absorb it and for you to see how it sits with you too.
Thank you for the update. Hang in there. We're thinking of ya.
A BIG, often neglected rule of DB'ing is to "ask for what you want". Sounds like you may have done just that.
IMHO, a person can't keep stuffing some of these things deep down inside of them. It ain't good for the R at all.
Sometimes, we owe it to our spouses to let them know what's going on inside of us. As long as it's not a personal attack against them, it's not only fair, but often necessary.
As Fee said, give her some time. It could be a good growth experience for your R.
Hang in there, my friend!!
JJ
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Sorry, tbone, I really don’t want to discuss what I apologized for. Suffice it to say that I hurt her deeply. As to how I apologized, I made no excuses but only regret at how it affected her, me and OR.
We continued the discussion yesterday, and as Fille so astutely pointed out, she needs time. In fact that’s what she told me. But, quite frankly, I don’t know how much more time will heal something that started 20 years ago.
Sorry if I don’t sound like the “Andy you’ve known”, Rachael. W says she sees the physical symptoms of my depression returning, and she may be right. I’ve been trying to atone for things for about two years now, and perhaps the helplessness of it all is pushing me downwards.
Yesterday, W said that I must have considered filing. I told her that I will never file. I don’t believe in it. I won’t do it to our kids, and I won’t do it to her. If we have to live our lives together w/o emotional attachment, then that’s what I’ll do. If she finds that she can’t live with me, then that’s her decision. I’ve made mine.
quote:I've been trying to atone for things for about two years now, and perhaps the helplessness of it all is pushing me downwards
Hi Andy
You can spend your life atoning. Forgive yourself, ask for forgiveness from the ones you seek it from and move on. You know all this already because you've said it to me countless times. Its your W's choice.
You are pretty tired, huh? This emotional rollercoaster, along with simply not meeting needs you have by wife, is causing you to backslide. You two had an "emotional" talk...good...about time. Your wife probably was mildly surprised by this, I think also there is a level of respect that is again starting to surface within her for you and this marriage. This had to have happened for a reason. Now do what Laurie says, forgive and move on.
"W said that I must have considered filing."
Emotions again Andy. You've made your stance. It's your wife's turn now.
I’ve always thought of guilt and resentment as destructive emotions. I’ve always managed to control these emotions. Nipped them in the bud. So all of this is new to me. I’m wracked with guilt and I’m handling it badly.
I don’t consider the latest developments as a backslide. On the contrary, the tone of these discussions is not negative at all. W has issues with me that she wants to resolve. There’s nothing I can do at this point to help her. I can’t unring the bell. We both know that. She’s always had respect for our M. I’ve never doubted that. And though it ebbed and flowed a little, she’s always had respect for me too. She’s never wanted to hold ill feelings against me and I’ve never doubted that either.
But she does have ill feelings. That’s something that’s new to her, too and I don’t know if she can overcome them.
I know there are tons of people who can throw my words back at me. I’ve posted countless times that once the SO has the will, s/he’ll find a way. But, like I said, neither of us knows how to deal with these feelings. There’s no way to reason our way out of them. I also know that the worst thing I can do right now is to dwell on it. But right now, I just can’t control my feelings.
Yeah, Nicole. It’s all emotions.
Sorry gang. I know it sounds hypercritical for me to say it, but I just can’t get over it.
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