Hey Andy-I sure hope things are going better for you, you have been at this a long time and how you maintain you PMA amazes me. I have a question which to you have undoubtably been there before-or perhaps many times. Why are these spouses all over the place with the way they treat you? I mean today is Sunday and since yesterday he has beeen somewhat distant. I have learned not to accuse him of this, but rather give him some space, and act as if I am just fine. Well, I'm not. I'm thinking he is thinkig about the OW,or worse yet has had contact wth her and I want to ask him so bad for some kind of reasurannce but the last thing I want to do is get into a heavy OR talk. When he's like this he just can't handle it and it always ends up with him angry saying I am just trying to cause controversy in our R. He has said something that has really got me thinking. As you have read my posts and know of my childhood hell,when my H said "you always have to create a controversy". You know, he may be right. IT's taken me all this time to see that havok was all I felt growing up, and when things get too comfortable maybe I cause contrversy just to bring back that old familar feeling I always had growing up. It's something that scares me -can I contol it? If not I will drive him away. When he is distant at all I want closeness and try to talk to him about why he is acting that way. He always says he does not feel distant. Is it my imagination, or is he avoiding what's really going on with him? The OW thing is the hardest. He said in therapy that he thinks about her sometimes, how could he not, but she is not what he wants even if we were not together-it'just the feelings she envoked in him and I'm sure he misses it sometimes. Our therpaist said he does not want these feelings for her and will not always have them,but I have to let him work through them. SO.....how to act when he's distant and act like they really don't care wether they are there with you or not. OR...or could it be my imaginatin and my need to recreate havok once again? I'm going to work withmy therapist with something new called EMDR. You can look it up on the internet at WWW.EMDR.com Very interestiing and something I have never heard of before. So... for today I will let him hvae his OWN feelings, and I will NOT try to have an R talk to try to figure out what's going on because chances are he does not know-its just the way he's feeling. How are things going with you? You have not sounded like the Andy I've known. Don't take that as anything other than an obsevation-you are usually so positive-I feel for you when you are hurting, but we all do from time to time. Hope your back up soon, Rachael M
