Thanks for the response Andy. I am really working on acting normal, and have neen doing a pretty good job of it lately-H has responded in a positive mannor. However.....I have those moments where I need some reassurance from him-read Michelle's post on Healing from infedelity-It involves communication about the A. Striking a blanace is where I'm at. It has not been easy getting here either. I WISH I could forget the OW, but that's just not possible right now. Too soon. I don't throw it in his face, I ask for reassurace about his faithfulness, his love,etc. He's good at giving it to me if the timing is right and I do it in a non-threatening, non accusatory mannor. The anxiety is SLOWLEY getting better. You are right on about decidng you are going to act as if you feel postive-not to is to serve no purpose unless one wants to move further away from thier goals. It ain't easy, but practice makes it get easier. Hope your doing better, although we all deserve our down days-even you!!
Hey Andy, in all seriousness, you know that part of DB is figuring out the most likely way to get genuine needs of ours met too. One of the reasons DB didn't work for me the first time I tried it those many moons ago is I was trying to squelch my needs and let him run with his. And did he.
So...how do you suppose you can start turning that big old cart around? Maybe there's a way that's unlike the usual Andy approach to start letting her know that you need her to be a part of the marriage too? Subtle and not insistent but firm all the same. Let her react however she's gonna react - that's not what we're looking for. We're looking for what makes her respond.
If you're ready of course. We've both seen where TrEE & Ultreya have had some pretty good results with some toughies by sticking it out - but they did both change their behaviors too...maybe some reading to get a grasp on what they've actually done and not said?
Anyway, understand the lag time - It's necessary like anything else isn't it? Take care pal.
If you need to talk, you know my email. I am worried about you. Maybe you are just retreating a bit - everyone needs to do it...I am too, call it personal healing. Be well.
ANS, The email that I gave you hasn't worked for over a month. I think the whole site is down. Here is another address if you need to talk. rayannedber@yahoo.com
If you just need time away, I think we all respect that.
I hate all the acting as if that is required when around family that doesn't know true situation. . .it's wearing me out. I want to go home and all the thoughts that go w that statement.
Andy, this whole thing w our spouses just. . .sucks.
You just have to hold on and ride it out though. I asked Sage how we were doing and he said "fine". I playfully asked for another non-placating word and it wasn't long before he said something about feeling "pressured".
So wierd.
Time. Your wife will inevitably overhear some woman/women discussing hormones and I hope to God she gets tested. I hate the thought of her not living at 100% you know.
Hey Andy-I sure hope things are going better for you, you have been at this a long time and how you maintain you PMA amazes me. I have a question which to you have undoubtably been there before-or perhaps many times. Why are these spouses all over the place with the way they treat you? I mean today is Sunday and since yesterday he has beeen somewhat distant. I have learned not to accuse him of this, but rather give him some space, and act as if I am just fine. Well, I'm not. I'm thinking he is thinkig about the OW,or worse yet has had contact wth her and I want to ask him so bad for some kind of reasurannce but the last thing I want to do is get into a heavy OR talk. When he's like this he just can't handle it and it always ends up with him angry saying I am just trying to cause controversy in our R. He has said something that has really got me thinking. As you have read my posts and know of my childhood hell,when my H said "you always have to create a controversy". You know, he may be right. IT's taken me all this time to see that havok was all I felt growing up, and when things get too comfortable maybe I cause contrversy just to bring back that old familar feeling I always had growing up. It's something that scares me -can I contol it? If not I will drive him away. When he is distant at all I want closeness and try to talk to him about why he is acting that way. He always says he does not feel distant. Is it my imagination, or is he avoiding what's really going on with him? The OW thing is the hardest. He said in therapy that he thinks about her sometimes, how could he not, but she is not what he wants even if we were not together-it'just the feelings she envoked in him and I'm sure he misses it sometimes. Our therpaist said he does not want these feelings for her and will not always have them,but I have to let him work through them. SO.....how to act when he's distant and act like they really don't care wether they are there with you or not. OR...or could it be my imaginatin and my need to recreate havok once again? I'm going to work withmy therapist with something new called EMDR. You can look it up on the internet at WWW.EMDR.com Very interestiing and something I have never heard of before. So... for today I will let him hvae his OWN feelings, and I will NOT try to have an R talk to try to figure out what's going on because chances are he does not know-its just the way he's feeling. How are things going with you? You have not sounded like the Andy I've known. Don't take that as anything other than an obsevation-you are usually so positive-I feel for you when you are hurting, but we all do from time to time. Hope your back up soon, Rachael M
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