Still just hanging my thoughts but I wish I could hang myself.
I'm not falling back into depression, but if W knew my thoughts, she'd be convinced of it.
I just don't know!
Things just aren't going my way. I really want closeness but W is withdrawing. Going on walks alone... outings with friends (I'm optional).
The other night, I wanted intimacy. She didn’t have the energy for it. But when we were invited out, she had enough energy for that.
At the end of next week, we’re going to in-laws. W on her motorcycle. Her cousin on his motorcycle. MF on his motorcycle. I drive the van (with kids, MF’s W). I’m not mad. I know that this is the only way we can do it, but this isn’t going to be the most fun I’ve ever had.
It's a vicious circle. I'm trying to find ways to express my desires but can't think of how to do it without going against hers. So, she thinks I'm mad. She asks me about it, and I daren't tell her how I feel.
So, she doesn’t want to be around someone who’s perpetually mad at her.
I think she’s fretting about my anger. She isn’t sleeping. Dunno if I’m the cause.
Last night, I asked her for “intimacy.” and she said, “Can you please not ask me again for a couple of days?”
This morning, I asked her if she’s going to get a doctor’s appointment. She said, “I don’t know.” Translation: “No, and don’t ask again.”
I know all of this sounds like some major backsliding, and some people will just tell me to back off.
But it’s not right. It’s not right that we can’t be open.
This post rambles a lot. Sorry.
Sometime, I’m going to have to suck it in, and get this stuff out in the open. But I have no idea of how to do it w/o alienating W, and possibly hearing a lot of things I don’t want to hear.
