"If you will just not pressure me, and pretend you have no sex drive, and be patient for an indeterminate amount of time to be measured in either months or years, then possibly at some point our sex life will improve."
This really is YOUR issue, but not how you think. It is something I mentioned before, and straight out of Schnarch…. your wife is avoiding the growth she needs to undertake to become comfortable with sex, intimacy, whatever it is you feel lacking. You have no choice but to wait for her to undertake this growth, to make whatever decision, to take whatever stand. So you keep asking her to decide (i.e., confront herself in order to grow and therefore have sex). She then deflects your request by turning the tables on you and complaining about the pressure she is under, as if that is what prevents her from self confrontation. But she is the one putting herself under this pressure by her avoidance. Not confronting herself is HER issue not yours.
The part that is YOUR responsibility is the fact that you buy into her deflection and allow her to maintain this excuse. You cannot force her to decide one way or the other, but your reluctance to make a choice because of her reluctance to grow allows her to maintain her position in this limbo state (read that again). If you set a course of action because of her procrastination, she will have to confront her decision – either move forward, confront herself and grow or accept your actions (whatever that may be).
The fact that you two are complaining about your wives is actually an attempt to deflect HER deflection. It is a game of hot potato. No one wants to make the hard choice, so both you and your wives remain stuck, blaming the other for whatever pressure you each feel.
