Don’t you know one of the methods to managing employees is to never give them too much praise, always set goals beyond reach, never let them be too comfortable, and basically keep them off balance? I don’t think that method is the most effective, but there are some managers who truly believe in it and some employees who truly need it! I’m not saying you need it, but I do think your wife believes in it.
Meanwhile, she's living the way she has for the last 5 years….. hmmm, sounds like she’s got a pretty good success rate. I doubt complaining about it is going to change anything. It will only tell her she needs to turn up the heat to get you back in line. I believe my wife thought along the same lines too.
I also still think your wife and mine have a lot of things in common, one of them being fear and insecurity. I think the LRS technique, mentioned in that animal trainer article Lil posted is a good approach for me. Whenever I have ignored my wife’s comments or demands in the past, she would just go on about her business. That doesn’t mean she would do anything I hoped for, but she would at least stop nagging. It is natural for her to shut down since withdrawing is one of her FOO self protection mechanisms. It seems the same factors could be at play in your sitch.
I also think your W needs affirmation and validation, which is why you two get along better after you’ve talked things over. She feels like she has been heard, acknowledged and therefore loved. Although my wife would really resist having these talks, she ALWAYS came away from them feeling better. It seemed she would approach them with a feeling of dread, of becoming engulfed and entangled in an argument with no end. I felt the same way too at times, but I also knew we were never that far apart and could work closer with better understanding.
I was surprised at the times I thought nothing was accomplished, that neither of us budged from our initial position, yet she seemed quite happy. It told me she needed to be validated. (Yet that is soooo hard when she then turns out her venom.) Perhaps this mindset will help you in dealing with your wife this weekend. But just remember, her feeling connected to you may not have anything to do with her making any changes in how she treats you.
