I seem to bring the lurkers out of hiding with my tales of woe. I appreciate what you're saying. I tend to think that this weekend's talk will be significant. And yes, I intend to tell her that the assumption-checking is not consistent with the confidence issue, and furthermore, it's control freak bullsh!t. And, although I've told her that my general level of sexual desire is at a low, I have not shared with her that my desire for her, specifically, is low. (there's that nice guy again, trying to spare her feelings).
Of course, I say this now, with all my imaginary friends gathered around me, spurring me on. Tomorrow is another matter.
Does she check her assumptions about me with me? Sometimes. I mentioned awhile ago that, on our vacation, I came to bed smashed and apparently got a little handsy, was told to stop, and tried to continue. I woke up in bed the next morning, alone, remembering nothing. She brought it up, saying that my behavior was inexcusable or intolerable or something. I said, "what? Getting drunk?" She then described what I did and I let her know that I had no recollection of it. We were able to work that one out.
Of course, she cites this incident as the perfect example of why I should check my assumptions with her: had she not checked her assumption with me (that I had consciously grabbed her boobs), she would have stewed about it for days.
I'm hip to the "not a child who needs to check with his mommy" aspect of all of this. It's a bad dynamic.
One of the problems of this relationship is that we can have a talk, I "get" what she is saying when she says it, I start living the "perfect husband" role for awhile, then, she finds fault with me, or just plain doesn't seem to appreciate the effort I'm making. Meanwhile, she's living the way she has for the last 5 years, showing little to no appreciation, no WOA, no acts of service, and, dang it, no Physical Affection beyond the nominal kiss and hug goodbye. So then, I dial down my efforts and she springs forth, accusing me of forgetting all the stuff I said I "got" when we had our last big talk.
I may have forgotten it. It may have ceased to be very important to me as it faded from memory. If I don't get some positive feedback from the efforts I put forth to please someone, I eventually will stop making those efforts.
She wants me to do "x." I want her to have a physical relationship with me. She says, "you're going to have to do 'x' for awhile before I'll be comfortable having a physical relationship with you." I do "x." Over and over, without expecting anything in return, at least for awhile. Then, I realize that I've been doing "x" for two months, three months, and nothing else has changed.
I may even say to her, "hey, how's your comfort level coming?" Unfortunately, she usually reacts badly to something like this, calling it "pressure." So, instead, I stop putting 100 percent effort into "x."
Then, apparently, I'm being passive aggressive, as I learn in the ensuing conversation. And the cycle continues.
