Re Hairdog Last night, W logs onto the site and sees what I have done. Her reaction was not great. I had, apparently, made some faulty assumptions. First, I had assumed that I was free to take her camera to work. As noted above, let's not go there yet.
Hair, go to the blog site and delete the pictures then inform your W she can post what she wants to post on her own.
A long time ago BB bitched about other people drinking too much orange juice and she was the one that had to make it. Short version is I rarely drink OJ at home. I buy a quart at the store and drink it on the job.
How the OJ story relates to the digital camera.
Ms. HD wants to own the camera so let her. No help with up-loading to any place is called for for a long time in my books. Buy your own basic 3MP to 5MP camera, they start at less than $100 and go to $250 if you find one with a rebate. If she complains, tell her that is what happens when you deal with overly controlling people.
Do the same with the vac, mop, and brooms. Get two of each. One for your cleaning chores and one set for her cleaning chores. While you are at it, how about two refrigerators?
W: You could have called me. BS on that HD. Your courte house example was right on.
This is not about making wrong assumptions. It's about lashing back at the male population, or her anger about something and you are the anvil while she is trying to be the hammer.
Delete the pictures and say she can start over and post anything she likes. It's her choice.
The whole scenario you describe is insane. You know that.
Have you ever asked her if she still wants to be married to you, and if so, why? I wonder what she would say. You should ask her, during your "appointment." If I disliked my wife as much as yours seems to dislike you, I wouldn't want to be married anymore.
Lou: I offered to delete the post last night, and she said no, that people will then wonder what was going on in the Hairdog house. It's the delusions talking.
I told her that I didn't want to have anything to do with the camera, even though she had asked me during the vacation to take as many pics as I wanted. She protested, saying that I was overreacting. I said that I didn't want to be responsible for anything that might go wrong with the camera, so I felt better just drawing a bright line between me and it. She said it always has to be "black or white" with me.
BTW: "Whatever" only works to inflame the situation.
Oh, and another BTW: the "initiate with confidence" thread relates to all of this in a couple of ways. First, checking with her about every assumption I might make about her seems absolutely inconsistent with becoming confident in any dealing with her. Second, I'd rather stick needles in my eyes than attempt to ML with her right now. I have zero desire for her.
Oh Paul, of course I've asked her. Her answer is usually a wishy-washy "not if you don't change" or "I wouldn't be here now if it weren't for DD5" or something. Sometimes she'll say that, even with my many faults, she still loves me.
Quote: Her answer is usually a wishy-washy "not if you don't change" or "I wouldn't be here now if it weren't for DD5" or something.
Yeah, that's pretty much what I figured. Not very helpful, but I guess she gets points for honesty with those responses. She's acting crazier than usual because of her current family situation. At some point, she'll get back to her normal degree of craziness. It'll get worse before it gets better though, so until then, wear a helmet.
HD, I don't know if my last "pit" thing with BB is helpful or related but here goes.
Last nite, I asked BB "Arbys or Pizza Hut" She said Arbys was fine. We don't have a budget for anything but to pass my requirements, I look for deals/specials.
I told BB what Arbys had on special but she did not take my word, so I showed her. I said this is the last time I was going to give proof about what I was talking about. I said if she can't trust my judgement and observations, that I was a trustworthy person in her eyes and no matter what I might do in the future, she would have some doubt. I said trust me to do the right thing or something close or don't trust me. There is not much I can say to change her mind or prove myself trust worthy other than just trusting me and see how it turns out, then evaluate the results.
So, If I can remember, and I think I can, I am not going to try to prove to BB what I say is true. It is OK if I am not 100% right. I will try to be accurate most of the time but will make mistakes and that is OK. BB is going to have to accept that on common everyday things. Federal cases are another story.
I found the harder I try to please someone that is being picky or unreasonable, the more crap they can come up with till the game is no longer worth playing.
Somehow the OP has to know this too. Maybe things will change, maybe they won't. I am not going down with them is my feelings right now.
I didn't want to be responsible for anything that might go wrong with the camera, so I felt better just drawing a bright line between me and it. Most things start out as "our" but if there is a long term problem, then "Our" becomes either hers or mine or there are two of them, like the OJ thing. Things like cell phones are mostly hers or mine even though I pay and provide some technical support
I've posted very little here but have followed this board for a couple of years. Quite honestly, I wish I had found it a couple years before that. Maybe it could have saved my marriage, maybe not. But at least I would have tried back then to gain some respect back before the walls of resentment grew too high and thick to be penetrated.
I have a hard time understanding how you take it, and from your last comments, it seems you are nearing the breaking point. I can sure understand how you feel though regarding that you would rather stick needles in your eyes...
Looking back on some of your recent posts where your negative feelings are coming across loud and clear, every time I read them I think, that is exactly what your wife needs to hear. Namely, checking on your assumptions, how that relates to your confidence and also how you now have zero desire for her.
I think you need to tell her that there is no way you are going to check with her everytime you make a decision, that you are a man and a husband, not some child that needs to check with his "mommy".
I am curious, just what items does she check with you? Or is it just you that needs to check with her?
The imbalances in your relationship are huge and I know that you are aware of this.
I feel for you Hairy. I have always hoped I would check this site and find that you had made some great progress. Unfortunately, that seems so far away.
If your marriage is ever going to make it, or at least become somewhat happy, you are going to need to take some of the power back that you have given away over the years.
Isn't it ironic with strong willed controlling women (probably men too) that they want to continue to take and take and take the power over the years. Then, when they basically have all the power that they kept taking, they lose all respect for you.
Dang, Paul. That's going to be my motto for awhile. I also like the "At some point, she'll get back to her normal degree of craziness." Now there's something to look forward to!
Lou: I have fought the "trustworthy" battle with W and it, too, isn't worth the oxygen. I could be the most honest man for the next 40 years and she would still throw something from the last century in my face. I just doesn't matter.
I seem to bring the lurkers out of hiding with my tales of woe. I appreciate what you're saying. I tend to think that this weekend's talk will be significant. And yes, I intend to tell her that the assumption-checking is not consistent with the confidence issue, and furthermore, it's control freak bullsh!t. And, although I've told her that my general level of sexual desire is at a low, I have not shared with her that my desire for her, specifically, is low. (there's that nice guy again, trying to spare her feelings).
Of course, I say this now, with all my imaginary friends gathered around me, spurring me on. Tomorrow is another matter.
Does she check her assumptions about me with me? Sometimes. I mentioned awhile ago that, on our vacation, I came to bed smashed and apparently got a little handsy, was told to stop, and tried to continue. I woke up in bed the next morning, alone, remembering nothing. She brought it up, saying that my behavior was inexcusable or intolerable or something. I said, "what? Getting drunk?" She then described what I did and I let her know that I had no recollection of it. We were able to work that one out.
Of course, she cites this incident as the perfect example of why I should check my assumptions with her: had she not checked her assumption with me (that I had consciously grabbed her boobs), she would have stewed about it for days.
I'm hip to the "not a child who needs to check with his mommy" aspect of all of this. It's a bad dynamic.
One of the problems of this relationship is that we can have a talk, I "get" what she is saying when she says it, I start living the "perfect husband" role for awhile, then, she finds fault with me, or just plain doesn't seem to appreciate the effort I'm making. Meanwhile, she's living the way she has for the last 5 years, showing little to no appreciation, no WOA, no acts of service, and, dang it, no Physical Affection beyond the nominal kiss and hug goodbye. So then, I dial down my efforts and she springs forth, accusing me of forgetting all the stuff I said I "got" when we had our last big talk.
I may have forgotten it. It may have ceased to be very important to me as it faded from memory. If I don't get some positive feedback from the efforts I put forth to please someone, I eventually will stop making those efforts.
She wants me to do "x." I want her to have a physical relationship with me. She says, "you're going to have to do 'x' for awhile before I'll be comfortable having a physical relationship with you." I do "x." Over and over, without expecting anything in return, at least for awhile. Then, I realize that I've been doing "x" for two months, three months, and nothing else has changed.
I may even say to her, "hey, how's your comfort level coming?" Unfortunately, she usually reacts badly to something like this, calling it "pressure." So, instead, I stop putting 100 percent effort into "x."
Then, apparently, I'm being passive aggressive, as I learn in the ensuing conversation. And the cycle continues.
Quote: she usually reacts badly to something like this, calling it "pressure."
Yep, that sounds familiar. "Pressure" is a universal LD codeword, meaning "having a sex drive." I recently got "a little handsy" as you put it, after a month or two with no action, or even talk about action. I then got a lecture about how much pressure she feels. Yikes! Like I said, I hadn't mentioned sex in at least a month, so I'm not sure who was applying the pressure.....
While you are at it, how about two refrigerators?
are another story.