The latest wrinkle in the M is her request that I not make assumptions about what she wants or what she needs. Instead, I should ask her what she wants or needs, and I should listen to her answer.
Well, that sounds pretty reasonable. It hearkens back to the funny adage, "when you assume, you make an azz of u and me."
But, like any reasonable-sounding request, it can sometimes be pushed beyond absurdity.
We have a new digital camera. Specifically, SHE has a new digital camera which she bought with her money. Money that she states is hers because she works extra hours to set aside money for her own use. It's "outside of the budget."
I'm already getting off track here, and don't want to go into the whole budget/finances arena. Maybe another time. Let's assume, for purposes of this post, that the camera is 100 percent "hers."
We brought the camera with us last week, and took many pictures. I took some, she took some. One picture she took was of her step-dad (who has the cancer diagnosis) and three of his friends.
Yesterday, our first day back in town, I was leaving for work and took the new camera and the USB cable with me, so that I could download the new pics. When I had a free moment at work, I downloaded the pics.
Ms.Hdog's sis created a group blog so that the family can keep current on what stepdad is going through, family news, etc. I posted the aforementioned pic with the names of the guys, indicating where it was taken.
Last night, W logs onto the site and sees what I have done. Her reaction was not great. I had, apparently, made some faulty assumptions. First, I had assumed that I was free to take her camera to work. As noted above, let's not go there yet.
Second, I had assumed that it was okay to post her picture of stepdad on the blog.
She felt violated. She felt I had taken something from her. She thought that I was taking credit for taking the picture (nothing on the blog post indicates who took the pic), or perhaps that people would assume that I had taken the photo.
All of these bad feelings could have been avoided, she said, if I had just not assumed that it was okay to post the picture on the blog, and had, instead, asked her. Hadn't I agreed that I would not make assumptions? Had I already forgotten that?
I happened to be standing in the laundry room during this conversation. I pointed at the washing machine. H: I got home at 5. I made an assumption that you would be home at your usual time, 7pm, so it was okay for me to do some laundry, even though I knew that you wanted to do some of your laundry that evening. Are you saying that I shouldn't have made that assumption? W: You could have called me. H: I knew you were at the courthouse reviewing files. You've asked me not to phone you with trivial matters. My point is that our lives are filled with assumptions. You can't expect me to check with you every time I do something. I assume you want me to feed DD5 dinner, as I do every night. You want me to start calling you to see if my assumption is correct?
She steered the convo back to the blog issue, indicating that it was a different kind of assumption I had made, focusing on the "violation" of "her" photo, and her right to post it.
At this point (much earlier, actually), I'm thinking that this is one of those "it's her issue, not mine" things, and I realize I'm down in the pit with her, where she won't stop fighting until I am vanquished. Stupid me, I engaged when I should have just said, "you're right...how insensitive of me. I am sorry." She just pushed that button that made me want to show her how psychotic she was being, and which made me want to defend my innocent intentions.
Where are we now? We have an "appointment" to talk tomorrow about clarifying what kind of assumptions are okay for me to make (this subject is at my request).
I guess I'm back to where I was when she had first found out about her stepdad's illness: trying my best to deal compassionately with someone who seems delusional.
I just don't know how long I can be in this place.
