Quote: Fran...when I try to be assertive (without being aggressive) now, I just get accused of being a control freak, or not caring what she thinks, etc.
"I note that you think I'm being a control freak."
And continue on.
Since she's the one that is usually issuing the orders, I am assuming that your assertion of confidence is an attempt to not follow one of her dictates.
Or are you attempting to assert yourself by asking that she do something?
How are you asserting yourself?
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Then, even when I explain that I'm trying to be the "confident man" she desires,
HD, this is wrong on so many levels.
"But honey, I'm trying to be the confident man you desire."
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she'll then say that what I should have done was x, or what I should have said was y.
"Wife, you would really make a great assertive man!"
You got me thinking, MrsNop. I suppose it's mostly non-verbal. I go ahead and do "x" without consulting with her (seeing if it's 'okay' if I do x). X could be doing yardwork (instead of something else she wanted me to do), taking DD5 on a bike ride, etc. In these situations, I get called to task for not talking with her about something.
I'm a little scattered today...it's taken me two hours to write one paragraph. I'll try to think of some more examples of me being assertive, but right now, my mind is mushy.
Hi! Being assertive is just as simple as being who you want to be instead of worrying about who she wants you to be. Your own example in the begining of being yourself because it was like what do I have to loose is a great example the wife responded to this was interested and this and persued this person. Maybe you need to just revert back to having that devil be it attitude and be yourself point blank dont like it so what What do I have to loose. Because really right now you have what to loose?. Giving up yourself to please someone else is always a lose lose situation.
Wishing you well! Chrissy Who is two steps closer to happiness then she was a month ago and liking it !
Re HD In these situations, I get called to task for not talking with her about something.
Posted on MoJo's thread but it might apply here.
BB has cats and dogs. Some cats run from the dogs. Those cats get chased mercilessly. Other cats don't run from the dogs. The dog's bark has no effect on this group of cats.
While barking dogs and running or not running cats might not be equivalent to your situation, I think sometimes being a running cat just makes the dog bark louder. I am encouraging you not to be like the group of running cats.
I just get accused of being a control freak, or not caring what she thinks, etc.
Are you being a control freak? Is it true that you dont care what she thinks? nope neither are true. boiiing, your rubber, she is glue.
If its not the truth, why even respond to it?
Then, even when I explain that I'm trying to be the "confident man" she desires, she'll then say that what I should have done was x, or what I should have said was y.
Im going to create a little scenario for you.
two drunks : <fighting> BF <jumps in the middle> : hey guys... listen... hey Im talking here. I work here you know. Stop that. you cant do that here. Im bigger then you. Look Im making a fist now. Look at my bicep. Im strong. two drunks : <continue fighting. smash idiot who jumped in middle, and hurt OP.> BF <laying on floor being kicked and trampled> : Seriously Im trying to be a tough guy here. Its my job. stop fighting. heello? are you listening to me? two drunks : <fighting, but now there is seven drunks fighting> BF : < on all fours, trying to pick up his teeth, with broken fingers and swollen eyes.> I sayd stofp it. Pleafe. Thef isf maya houfe.
------ yeah. sometimes explaining what you are trying to do, and talking about it, doesnt work so well.
Often, I can tell little difference between what I did and what she suggests I should have done. And what's the value of being confident, if you're just reciting or reenacting what your spouse says you should?
Exactly. No wonder they dont want to have to explain it to us. Where is the value in that?
The latest wrinkle in the M is her request that I not make assumptions about what she wants or what she needs. Instead, I should ask her what she wants or needs, and I should listen to her answer.
Well, that sounds pretty reasonable. It hearkens back to the funny adage, "when you assume, you make an azz of u and me."
But, like any reasonable-sounding request, it can sometimes be pushed beyond absurdity.
We have a new digital camera. Specifically, SHE has a new digital camera which she bought with her money. Money that she states is hers because she works extra hours to set aside money for her own use. It's "outside of the budget."
I'm already getting off track here, and don't want to go into the whole budget/finances arena. Maybe another time. Let's assume, for purposes of this post, that the camera is 100 percent "hers."
We brought the camera with us last week, and took many pictures. I took some, she took some. One picture she took was of her step-dad (who has the cancer diagnosis) and three of his friends.
Yesterday, our first day back in town, I was leaving for work and took the new camera and the USB cable with me, so that I could download the new pics. When I had a free moment at work, I downloaded the pics.
Ms.Hdog's sis created a group blog so that the family can keep current on what stepdad is going through, family news, etc. I posted the aforementioned pic with the names of the guys, indicating where it was taken.
Last night, W logs onto the site and sees what I have done. Her reaction was not great. I had, apparently, made some faulty assumptions. First, I had assumed that I was free to take her camera to work. As noted above, let's not go there yet.
Second, I had assumed that it was okay to post her picture of stepdad on the blog.
She felt violated. She felt I had taken something from her. She thought that I was taking credit for taking the picture (nothing on the blog post indicates who took the pic), or perhaps that people would assume that I had taken the photo.
All of these bad feelings could have been avoided, she said, if I had just not assumed that it was okay to post the picture on the blog, and had, instead, asked her. Hadn't I agreed that I would not make assumptions? Had I already forgotten that?
I happened to be standing in the laundry room during this conversation. I pointed at the washing machine. H: I got home at 5. I made an assumption that you would be home at your usual time, 7pm, so it was okay for me to do some laundry, even though I knew that you wanted to do some of your laundry that evening. Are you saying that I shouldn't have made that assumption? W: You could have called me. H: I knew you were at the courthouse reviewing files. You've asked me not to phone you with trivial matters. My point is that our lives are filled with assumptions. You can't expect me to check with you every time I do something. I assume you want me to feed DD5 dinner, as I do every night. You want me to start calling you to see if my assumption is correct?
She steered the convo back to the blog issue, indicating that it was a different kind of assumption I had made, focusing on the "violation" of "her" photo, and her right to post it.
At this point (much earlier, actually), I'm thinking that this is one of those "it's her issue, not mine" things, and I realize I'm down in the pit with her, where she won't stop fighting until I am vanquished. Stupid me, I engaged when I should have just said, "you're right...how insensitive of me. I am sorry." She just pushed that button that made me want to show her how psychotic she was being, and which made me want to defend my innocent intentions.
Where are we now? We have an "appointment" to talk tomorrow about clarifying what kind of assumptions are okay for me to make (this subject is at my request).
I guess I'm back to where I was when she had first found out about her stepdad's illness: trying my best to deal compassionately with someone who seems delusional.
I just don't know how long I can be in this place.
Stupid me, I engaged when I should have just said, "you're right...how insensitive of me. I am sorry."
In that situation, I think my children have the best response. A slightly disdainful and dismissive "Whatever", made better if accompanied be a slight roll of the eyes. Keeps you out of the pit yet let's your feelings shine through loud and clear. Of course, it does tend to really irk the recipient of the afore-mentioned "whatever".
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
Hairdog, Just let us know if you, umm, accidently off her due to temporary loss of your incredible control of anger. We'll be character witnesses to the perfectly obvious reason as to why you cracked and gave in to impulse.
Ok, she has serious control issues.
Last weekend, while it was hot, my spouse took it upon her self to paint the living room walls over my objections. I got grumpy about for a bit and decided it was not something to lose my temper over. Now had you decided to do the same, the walls would have red with your blood. I have no idea how your staying sane. However, I also have no brilliant suggestions as to how to help other than to say keep looking for something that will allow her to see what a F-ing out of control, control freak she is.
Stay sane my friend. To calm down, my solution is several episodes of Trek, however you can insert your own favorite series or movie. "Cars" and "Superman Returns" are also both excellent and have the added bonus of getting you out of the house.
Scott -Who will be communing with the Klingons this weekend at an SF con.
"Satisfaction is not guaranteed." Rule #19 Ferengi "Rules of Acquistition"
