I find your FOO story pretty interesting. You were a people-pleaser from the start without particularly overbearing parents? Is that right? My H is the same, a total wimp (I don't say that to be nasty he just is a conflict avoider and people pleaser). His parents are sweeties, no abuse whatever, never got smacked once, says he had a happy childhood. Sometimes I wonder whether it was the lack of ANY conflict in his childhood that makes him unable to handle it now, his mettle was never tested. My own FOO was quite different, there was a lot of conflict in our house (mostly verbal) although my parents did smack us but not often and never in an out of control kind of way (my Dad would occasionally lash out arbitrarily) but it was not the kind of abuse Chrome had. My parents rowed a lot. Lively debate was encouraged as a form of entertainment round the dinner table. The three of us are very close in age (3.5 years between three kids) and fought like a bag of puppies, as a result we are all assertive people, we know to speak up if we want something. H seems to assume some kindly person will notice he needs something and make sure he gets it. And if that doesn't happen it's because the world is a wicked wicked place full of unfeeling nasty people.
I also find it interesting that you say you are lazy about making decisions and are attracted to strong women because of that. That is pretty much my H too. I have to hand every decision to him on a plate not to get accused of being controlling. e.g. "what do you fancy having to eat tonight love?" "Oh I don't know, you decide" at this point I have to come up with something HE would like with no clues whatsoever (apart from 15 years experience of the man) otherwise I am selfish and controlling and always imposing my desires on him. It has taken me a long time to realise this. To understand that what he means by "I don't know" is "I like to appear nice so I'm letting you choose, but you have to reciprocate by choosing something you know I would like rather than choosing for yourself."
I don't know if this is how you are HD, but if you are truly lazy, or couldn't care less then please don't resent W for calling the shots. This laziness is handing her power, power I believe she is actually uncomfortable wielding, it is what is making her so anxious and therefore even more controlling - she is scared everything will slide into chaos.
She clearly was attracted by your humour and sassiness and being cheeky to her, when you got wimpy on her I think she probably felt a little short-changed.
Quote: what a bitch this wimp married
Her bitchiness is in exact proportion to your wimpiness HD, you make her a bitch as she makes you a wimp. Stop being a wimp and she will stop being a bitch. It's that simple.
The wimps in my life I have known find it difficult to be assertive without coming off aggressive, they have no fine control in that area and tend to oversteer wildly.
When you start to be assertive there will be resistance, there will be conflict. This is what you spend so much of your life trying to avoid so it unnerves you. Think tennis: You shoot one over the net - what is supposed to happen next? Duh - the other player knocks it right back at you! So you try and knock it back to them and so on to and fro until one of you scores a point - but it is a fair point. You do not throw your racket down and walk off in a sulk, you do not leap over the net and brain the other player with the racket. When you and she used to banter, she thought she'd found a decent tennis partner, I bet she was sore disappointed when you quietly walked away and said OK you win.
You have one HUGE thing in your favour, as has been said by so many on this board, and that is your sense of humour. Use it to lighten your touch when you are standing up for yourself and you won't come off aggressive.
Quote: As for farking her brains out, etc., I'm sorry to say but I think that's fantasy talk. Oh sure, I could give it a try, but I'm not into the whole rape fantasy thing,
It doesn't have to be rape HD, just assertive passion. If a woman seems to be turned off by you going to fast don't go fast but don't give up. Back pedal but don't roll all the way down the hill. Continue with passionate kissing, caressing less errogenous areas etc, but don't give up, press your point (as it were) keep going, get her warmed up, get the motor running.. then fark her brains out.
Quote: As for your suggestion of subsequently beginning to order her around because she'll be too high on the focking to argue, I guess I just don't see it happening.
LOL - Oh HD how little you know of womankind. I'm sure Cally, HP, Mojo etc would agree with me here. If you do a good job of farking her brains out she will be putty in your hands. You can shout "beer me, wench" and she will gladly do so without even seeing the irony
Happy 4th July (through gritted teeth)
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
