Dude, you're killing me. I see so much of myself in you, and some of my W in your W. We need to fix this, eh? You are a fcukig awesome guy, with a sense of humor that could probably put meals on the table if you wanted to. I'm ready to get real with you, on a base level. I'm not perfect, I don't have all the answers, and I'll probably screw up advice as often as get it right. But there are others here to correct me. I want to help, if you want it? Think about it and let me know.
Let me relate a story to you about my childhood. I am a people pleaser like you. My father was very abusive, so if you didn't tow the line, you got smacked, hard. I remember one time he smacked me and my younger brother upside the HEAD for about 5 minutes (hard to know exactly how long when you are getting hit in the head) alternating between punches and open-handed slaps ... because we had lied about taking naps earlier that day. I remember being nauseous and dizzy for about a day afterwards, and throwing up several times that night. I was about 7 at the time and my younger brother was 5. My dad is 6'3" and was in the military, so you can imagine the blows weren't light.
At the same time, my mother was always distant from us. No matter how hard I tried to get her to recognize me, to say how proud she was of me, to say she loved me, nothing. So I got it elsewhere. I was the guy who all the teachers liked. I ended up becoming very involved in sports, music, science. Luckily I was rather large, and in sports, or I'm sure I would have been a punching bag for bullies. As it were, my people pleasing ways alienated me from most of my peers.
Well, one incident sticks out in my head. Every year the top sophomores in terms of academics, athletics, service, etc. were selected in my high school to be essentially hosts (or hostesses) at the junior/senior prom. It was considered a real honor, even the cool kids wanted it. So you can imagine my glee when I was selected to be one of the hosts. I went home and told mom (dad wasn't home yet) and she only had to say "don't let your dad find out about it, I'll try to find a way to sneak you off that day." Well Dad came home and my excitement was too much to contain. When he found out about it, he issued the proclamation, "as long as you are in my house, you will NEVER go to prom, its nothing but a bunch of drunk teenagers getting drunker." I was crushed. The next day at school I had to go tell the prom organizer that I had to decline. I refused to answer why, because in an earlier incident a few years before I told my teacher "because my dad won't let me." She called home and I got one of the worst beatings of my life that night.
But I started to learn a lesson that day. No matter how hard I try, some people won't be pleased. It has taken me years to learn it in my heart, and I'm still not 100% there (as witnessed my my M). I now stand up to my dad, and he respects me. When he tries to pull some Rush Limbaugh, conspiracy theory, creation science BS on me, I call it what it is.
You've admitted to self-esteem problems, and they are clear in your posts. I've been fixing mine, so I know you can fix yours. You have problems with respect in your M. Same here, and I'm working on that too.
Still want to be my "workout" buddy? Let me know.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
