Fran: thanks for your post. I seem to have a knack for picking NPs. My C once asked me, "why do you choose 'blaming women'?" I'm still working on the answer to that, but part of it, of course, is that, at least during the course of marriage #1, I began to feel kind of comfortable in the scapegoat position. I was not the scapegoat in my FOO, btw...I was the good little kid who watched all my siblings make the mistakes while I did all the things that made my dad happy.
As for farking her brains out, etc., I'm sorry to say but I think that's fantasy talk. Oh sure, I could give it a try, but I'm not into the whole rape fantasy thing, and that is what I think it would quickly turn into. Read back in my posts and you will see that one of her mantras is, "I want you to be comfortable with me saying 'no' to you." (Kudos to Mojo who came up with my favorite--but as yet unused--comeback to that: "Comfortable? Comfortable with you saying 'no'? Baby, I'm way beyond comfortable...I'm downright bored with it.") So, my prediction is that she would say, "no", I would push past the "no" and subsequent "no's", and then would forever be branded as "rapist." This prediction, by the way, is based on experiences when I did indeed push past the first "no" and got a much firmer "no" and was lectured to for days about being "comfortable" with her "no."
Being sexually aggressive (in the rough sex sense) is something I have only been able to do in situations where the recipient is very obviously "into it." The girlfriend I had before W would like this occasionally, and I felt so comfortable with her that I would happily participate.
I don't feel comfortable with W. I have never been sexually aggressive with her, except for some tentative forays very early in the relationship that indicated to me that such behavior was not necessary or welcome. That's fine with me, by the way, as I truly enjoy the rockin' and rollin' type of sex, anyway.
As for your suggestion of subsequently beginning to order her around because she'll be too high on the focking to argue, I guess I just don't see it happening.
Maybe you know her better than I do. Maybe I'm just at the point where my give-a-damn is so busted that I don't feel like putting forth the effort.
I appreciated the "radical honesty" explanation. Choice (a) is so very "me." You're right...I need to just say, "I don't know. You want some help finding out?"
