I think the NPD, is a very boderline concept. In HD's case I dont want him to see this and develop a feeling of hopelessness. So many times we see selfish behavior occuring simply because the OP allows it.
I encounter apparently NPtype females quite often, and they stop acting like that PDQ, given the right environment. My experieces, tells me what Cally has tried to relate to HD. This struggle is about HD, and how he relates to women, internally. If he changes so will she.
HD, you said I nailed how you feel with each one of my comment ideas.
But you have never expressed these things to your W, these honest feelings. Why?
You just want to be 'nice' right. just want her to be nice back. Im sorry brother, but thats not how this M/F dance works. In reality you are not being honest. You are not being congruent with how you feel. This causes her to lose respect for you. long Suffering silence is not attractive.
Why does she have to poke you like this? Why cant she just say, wow thanks, I really appreciate you cleaning the floor, and picking up the groceries, etc etc.
Ive tried to explain it before, but does it really matter? She cant help it. UNTILL you stop letting her. Then she will stop. Gladly to. and with appreciation that you did it, after a short struggle. Wow. that gives you a lot of power. Do you want it? Can you handle it? Did you notice Callys husband did basically what I said to you about the floor cleaning?
For example, your story about fixing the house fan. You included and made your daughter a part of the team. I read that and I kept thinking...ok... where is the part where he hollers at his W to make them some lemonade? Do this with your wife. Tell her to do things, and also start requiring appreciation for the things you do.
ex. she b!tches about the way you are doing ..fillintheblank.... HD: "you know. it wont kill you to say thanks and give me a hug." thats it. nothing more. convo done.
If she wont, have her do it herself. Is that a scary thought? The reaason I worded my reply the way I did instead of the way callys H did, (which works too) is because it turns the situation back, and lets her know what she is not doing for you. She will hear it and she will think about it. a lot, and then she will test again to see if you were serious. if you are, and stand firm, things will change. if you cowtow, youll stay in the status quo. (actually things will just keep degenerating.) Your giving her choices, placing value on what you just did. and not personalizing, like saying FINE DO IT YOURSELF, comes across as. thats Frustration. Letting her get you out of your calm peaceful state. She has just given you what she wants. emotion. so give it to her, dont let her get you out of the place you want to be in. Calmness.
There are times when I think it is ok to let frustration/anger come out-- controlled. that spark of displeasure. 1) its an eye opener. a definite 180. 2) it sure feels good to relieve that resentment and tension.
As for talking to her about what specifically a confidant approach is. I doubt she can verbalize it. If she was that self aware, she probably wouldnt be acting like she does. She would be choosing to build up HD self esteem thru various ways, not 'testing' and thereby tearing his self esteem down. Not poking at the one thing, she is 50% responsible for.
HD. you can do it. Cobra is doing it. Chrome is getting there. Fran and cally are telling you pretty much what Nops said in his last post to you.
Unfortunately, and here is where the enmeshment aspect pops up, I don't think she's really ready for it. Of course, I don't know if she'll ever be ready for it, until she's ready to look at herself with honesty.
LOL. she doesnt have to be ready for your honesty. ITS HONESTY. Truth is truth. Lack of truth causes the problem. Incongruence causes the problem. I know, in the legal system, truth is often annoying, to the abilty to be on the winning side. but not here.
you dont know if she can handle your honesty? a divorce lawyer? LMAO. hahahahahah. Poor Mrs.HD. HAHAHAHAHA!! <whew. your killing me.> Thats your fear speaking. Not only are you coddling her, which is hilarious, but you are demeaning her by saying she cant handle it, and not giving her the benefit of the doubt.
I know you have the skill to do this, and your fear keeps rationalizing away what we are telling you. stomp on your fear and try something 'crazy'.
Your W is not some super-special freak of nature, sent to torment just you, that wont respond to the the same behaviors, that all other women do. she started following your lead once before. I remember it. she may deny. she may redirect. Thats all her fear speaking. Ignore and plow.
