Lately (like, since mid-May) I haven't bothered to try initiating anything with my W. My reasons: 1. She's made it clear with her actions, and somewhat clear with her words, that she's not interested in sex, so why would I want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me? 2. If I wanted to feel bad about myself, I can pretty much do that just by sitting around and thinking bad thoughts about myself. I certainly don't need to go through the laborious actions of making myself vulnerable, reaching out to touch my W, actually touching her (in a non-erogenous zone) and, if in the unlikely event that my hand doesn't get pushed away in less than 5 seconds, moving toward an erogenous zone, only to get the smackdown. That's just too much effort to go through in order to have the following feelings: a)why did I marry this asexual person?, b)why did I adopt a child with this asexual person?, and c) why do I even bother trying to touch this asexual person? 3. If I'm in the mood for sex, it's a lot more enjoyable to be by myself, imagining the act with a woman who actually responds positively, than to tiptoe across the minefield of our sexlife.
Aside from occasional hugs and goodbye kisses, I have truly embraced my W's stated preference for "no pressure." Truth be told, I feel very little sexual attraction toward her anymore, so it's relatively easy to restrain myself from the kind of behavior she would see as "pressure."
As you can imagine, this type of relationship with her doesn't stimulate my muse. In other words, my communication with her ranges from the mundane to the bare-essential. I share my parental observations of our DD5 with her, my plans for dinner, my yardwork to-dos, etc. Occasionally, she might engage me in some topical news discussion, or some talk about her step-father's health, but it's pretty basic.
Imagine my surprise, then, when she woke me up upon her entry to the bedroom with a comment like, "you know, if you want to have sex with me, you are going to have to initiate." I don't recall the exact words, but that was because I had been asleep. (I've decided that going to bed by 10pm is more important to me than keeping her company while she watches television until 11.) I didn't respond.
The next day (last Sunday) she again mentioned that I was the one who needed to initiate, and that I should approach her "with confidence." Instead, I kept myself busy all day in the yard, cooked dinner for us, and then went to bed early.
Monday morning she said she wanted to talk, asked me why I was not approaching her physically, and I told her, well, basically number one, above, that I had the distinct impression that she did not want to have sex, and so, why would I have sex with her? I recounted the conversation we had in March, after the episode of "Coupling" where she focused on my PE problems, and the encounter during our vacation where I tried to help her "O" manually, and she told me that she could do that herself, that she didn't need me for that, and that she was basically only having sex for me.
She denied the essences of those conversations, said I was totally mistaken, that she enjoyed sex, that she was turned-on by me, that (Hairdog's eyes and ears glazed over here, as often happens when confronted with a make-believe world that has absolutely no connection with reality).
But, ignoring the warning bells, I decided that, last night, I'd do a recon of the no-fly zone. Try to touch . . . hand on calf for nearly 7 seconds before she repositioned herself. Hmmm....maybe that was a fluke....hand on shoulder....oops, only five seconds before repositioning. How about a spontaneous kiss? Hmmmm, reminds me of the time I practiced kissing my mom's styrofoam wig-stand.
Nope, no change here. The words do not have any relationship to her actions. Back to the relative safety of the no-pressure zone. There, at least, we don't have the subject of my animal urges to argue about.
And the whole "approach with confidence" comment just makes me laugh (in a bitter way). I am confident in every area of my life which is relatively untouched by her: my work, my inner creativity, my sense of humor with my friends...it is only in my dealings with her that my confidence is gone. It's not just in the sexual arena. From deciding whether we should keep or cancel the newspaper ($6 a month) to how to clean the floor, to what I want to do on Father's Day, almost every decision, communication, action, in her presence, lacks confidence. No wonder she doesn't want to have sex with me (contrary to her words), I can hardly look at myself in the mirror when I'm at home.
I am angry at myself for letting this happen, for being at the point now where I care so little about my marriage that I see her as little more than a co-parent, a co-habitor of space, and a co-spender of income. Yet, most of the time, the anger stays hidden. Every once in a while it bursts forth, usually as a result from something that could be characterized as a minor irritation. And yes, I'm angry with her, too. Her incessant criticism has helped erode my confidence.
Understand, I'm basically just venting here; sharing the story of Ms.Hdog practically begging me to initiate, responding coldly when I do, same ol' same ol'. I don't need the pep talk from blackfoot or stigmata about being the alpha male. I've heard it before and it doesn't work for me.
I'm not preparing to exit the M. I'm just enduring. I'm being the best father I can be to my kids, being a helpful man about the house, and, oh yeah: refusing to give my W the power over me that comes from some sort of sick satisfaction she must get from rejecting me.
Funny, but I look at HappyGiant's letter to his wife and instead of getting tangled up in the analysis of his motivations or the legality of it all, all I can think is, "wow...I bet it took a lot of energy to come up with that plan and put it down on paper. Meanwhile, I don't even care enough to threaten to not do the dishes after I've cooked dinner. Too much wasted effort...too much conflict."
I have an appointment with my IC at 2:30 today. I'll probably talk to him about some of this.
