Balance

[ANS]

In case any casual observers are wondering what that last exchange is all about, here’s what I posted over on Lily’s thread:

quote:Originally posted by ANS on Glimpses of The Missing Piece (Page 4):

Hi Lily,

Michele has said, and everyone agrees, that one of the biggest myths of relationships is the concept of “soulmate.” It is also widely agreed that people change over time.

I’m not sure I agree with either.

My view is that everyone has an unchanging core which defines who they really are. I don’t think we fall in love with the outer (changing) person. Somewhere, at a deeper level, we see the underlying “real” person.

Their soul.

This is the person we fall in love with, and conversely, the person who our spouse falls in love with. To that extent, we are soulmates, and always will be.

But the trials and tribulations of our lives can blur our vision. We go into survival mode (BTW, my W has used those exact words). We can lose touch with the other person’s soul.

When you no longer love your spouse, it’s because you’ve lost sight of that which you fell in love with. Their soul. When you continue to love them but aren’t “in love” with them, you’ve lost contact with your own soul.

You’ve been reading in the MLC section lately. I’ve done some reading there too. Lotsa good stuff there, but I don’t believe it’s good because MLC is anything special. It just seems to be a place where people meet whose spouses have lost sight of their souls.

quote:

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Originally posted by Australian November 24, 2001 12:46 PM on Lonely and devastated (Newcomers):

Wether it is MLC or wether the planets are lined up in conjunctionn with each other has no bearing what so ever on what needs to be done..MLC is just another fairly useless label which allows us to point the finger at the other,that there's "something wrong with them".Big Mac look for solutions not excuse's to fix her,(fixing can only be done by her if she should choose to do so and if indeed there is anything wrong with her to fix)focus on you.

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The focus of my DBing has always been on myself. Not to change myself, but to expose my soul to W. Doesn’t matter if she lost sight of my soul, her soul or both. All that matters is that I continue to love her, and that she sees the real me.

I haven’t changed. My actions have.

Maybe that's what you meant when you posted that you knew that Sage and you were linked.

Andy

[tbone]

A while back I "intercepted" an e-mail from my then WAW to a new "Match.com friend" which was a long disertation on how she was "looking for her soulmate, her perfect match. One that accepts all of her flaws and never judges her." I almost got ill when I read it. She has a major accountability problem so she wanted someone to accept "whatever" she does as "okay". Pretty scarey definition of a "soulmate". Your last post hits home big time. She claimed that I took her soul from her in the "Alien" days. Whatever. She was looking for the "perfect" person and they just don't exist. We love people not for their perfection but in spite of their imperfections.

I wish I knew the formula for our WAS to understand all of this. My W seems to have figured it out and in fairly short order but I don't know how. All I can figure is an influential person in her life explained this to her in a form she could understand or God gave me the miracle that I had prayed for. I think I will print out that piece on soulmates and add it to my folder of things I want to give to her in the future.

tbone,
Anybody looking for a "soulmate" with those qualities is going to be looking over and over and over, aren't they?

I heard somebody on TV give an interesting definition of a "soulmate" a while ago. I can't remember who it was. They said that your soulmate wasn't necessarily the person that you had everything in common with, but the person that you kept crossing paths with that kept teaching you things about yourself. That person that you couldn't seem to avoid.

By that definition my son's ex-girlfriend would have been his soulmate and my H mine. Son and ex-GF couldn't seem to live together or apart, but they were still kept trying and were the first
to help each other in times of trouble or to share joys.

My H definitely is somebody that has taught me more about myself than anyone else has, and helped me to effect more change. We sure as heck don't see eye to eye on everything and don't accept each other unconditionally. I think I'm getting close to the point where I could him, but...

Anyway, enough of my rambling.

rayanne

[Phoenix]

You know Rayanne, that's actually a definition for soulmate that I could swallow and not yak up . It makes total sense to me and sounds like something my bestest gf (of the 4BB's fame) would say.

Cause otherwise, to me we have certain groups that we're attracted to and we're part of certain groups that others are. That explains why people will end one R and start another only to pick up where they left off in the last one. Or they'll pick someone who looks a lot like the original but doesn't quite act like em.

As for what Andy said about the core being...I agree witht that too. The way you said it was pretty all encompassing. The only think I stress is that sometimes we cover our cores up really really good for a LONG time. And when we finally dig down to them...everyone's in for a big surprise . Usually for the better.

Phoenix,
I guess us Babeheads just think profound thoughts. (Especially if they are lifted from somebody else. )

rayanne

[bluedogg]

I second these emotions: ANDY - nice nice thought about "showing your soul". What a great, simple guideline to keep in mind as a basis for action when dealing with the spouses.

And the "soulmate" from Rayanne: a good working definition, not a goal but a process.

Now I'm ready to compose an e-mail to the STBX

ED

ANS,
I don't know. H has changed so much that I don't really see much of anything the same about him.
I guess he's still basically kind and tender hearted. In some ways he's not acting like it, but one sees glimpses of it through the heavy wall he's thrown up. Is that what you mean?

I wouldn't say I had changed much, but H would disagree.

By the way, The reference to Phoenix's friend and myself as "Babeheads" refers to a group we both like, "Four Bitchin' Babes". Just wanted to clarify that. When I read back I kinda decided that that could be misconstrued.

bluedogg,
Wish that concept was mine rather than borrowed from an unknown source. I liked it though.
Good luck connecting with your STBX.

rayanne

[ANS]

Yeah, Fille. We definitely cover up our cores. That’s the “self protection mode” that Lily and my W referred to. I know that you also mean that we cover it up from ourselves, too. Same thing goes. We protect ourselves from others, and also from ourselves.

And to answer your question, Rayanne…

Something else happens, too. When we hide our true selves, our actions are interpreted in the context of what others see. In other words, the intentions behind our actions are obscured by the wall we’ve built around ourselves. Then we get into a vicious circle of reactions to misinterpreted actions and words.

The other day, I was talking to W on the phone. I was feeling down. Pretty unsure of myself wrt my motorcycling abilities and my ability to pass the driver’s test. W pretty much blew me off.

But. I knew that wasn’t her intention. I think she was just trying to say that she had confidence in me and it came across all wrong.

So it occurred to me that what she says or does doesn’t matter. What matters is that she tries.

This goes both ways too. People get their underwear in a knot when they “backslide.” I’ve come to realize that backslides don’t mean anything. The important thing is for your spouse to know you’re trying. That’s why there’s no way of speeding up the process. They don’t trust your changes because you’re trying too hard. It isn’t permanent if you’re trying. But at the same time, if you don’t seem to be trying, then it seems like you don’t care.

Trying… effortlessness… these two things have to be balanced out. That takes time.

The other thing to remember is that nobody’s perfect. If you DB to perfection, it’ll never come off as true. You’re obviously hiding something. People may sometimes grow to expect perfection like tbone’s W. She was looking for a perfect match.

But that’s rubbish (as Rayanne pointed out). Tbone’s W isn’t stupid enough to believe in perfection for too long.

Ya wanna know the formula for our WAS’s to understand all of this tbone? There’s no magic. It’s only a matter of time for their own intelligence to tell them that there’s no such thing as perfection.

TTFN,
Andy

P.S. Good luck bluedog

[2Learn]

Yeah, what he said

" Something else happens, too. When we hide our true selves, our actions are interpreted in the context of what others see. In other words, the intentions behind our actions are obscured by the wall we’ve built around ourselves. Then we get into a vicious circle of reactions to misinterpreted actions and words."

Definitely agree with you there!

Off the subject, can somebody explain to me how you use the quote feature? Thanks

rayanne