Yeah, Fille. We definitely cover up our cores. That’s the “self protection mode” that Lily and my W referred to. I know that you also mean that we cover it up from ourselves, too. Same thing goes. We protect ourselves from others, and also from ourselves.
And to answer your question, Rayanne…
Something else happens, too. When we hide our true selves, our actions are interpreted in the context of what others see. In other words, the intentions behind our actions are obscured by the wall we’ve built around ourselves. Then we get into a vicious circle of reactions to misinterpreted actions and words.
The other day, I was talking to W on the phone. I was feeling down. Pretty unsure of myself wrt my motorcycling abilities and my ability to pass the driver’s test. W pretty much blew me off.
But. I knew that wasn’t her intention. I think she was just trying to say that she had confidence in me and it came across all wrong.
So it occurred to me that what she says or does doesn’t matter. What matters is that she tries.
This goes both ways too. People get their underwear in a knot when they “backslide.” I’ve come to realize that backslides don’t mean anything. The important thing is for your spouse to know you’re trying. That’s why there’s no way of speeding up the process. They don’t trust your changes because you’re trying too hard. It isn’t permanent if you’re trying. But at the same time, if you don’t seem to be trying, then it seems like you don’t care.
Trying… effortlessness… these two things have to be balanced out. That takes time.
The other thing to remember is that nobody’s perfect. If you DB to perfection, it’ll never come off as true. You’re obviously hiding something. People may sometimes grow to expect perfection like tbone’s W. She was looking for a perfect match.
But that’s rubbish (as Rayanne pointed out). Tbone’s W isn’t stupid enough to believe in perfection for too long.
Ya wanna know the formula for our WAS’s to understand all of this tbone? There’s no magic. It’s only a matter of time for their own intelligence to tell them that there’s no such thing as perfection.
