A few days afer the bomb I was being paid the weekly day care fees. It had been our habit for me to hand over a certain portion of this to H. I called it his weekend cash fund---to spend on the family and/or gas. Whatever, no receipts (which I have to save for the tax stuff).
At the time I felt awkward. Afterall, he'd just said he wanted a D. I didn't know what to do. Mind you this was pre Michelle so I was doing some instinctive DB by my decision to do nothing at all. I handed over the money. Sage questioned this. I just looked at him and said that I liked him being in charge of our money and did he have a problem w that. He responded that he didn't.
Loretta, control of our finances was one of the huge problems H had w me. I'm trained in accounting and he's not. I was adamant that we do things my way; he wanted it done his way.
It had been my habit to set aside money for Christmas. I always decided the amount that would be spent, etc. Well, this year I made a 180 (had read DB by now) and handed over every penny of our money to him. He sat quietly for a few minutes and then told me that I had given him much power. I had had no idea how much that gesture would impact him.
The way we're set up these days is that I write 98% of our checks and he holds all the cash. His paychecks are funding the checking account and my paychecks are funding the spending money. So it is mixed, so to speak.
I chose not to keep any money out for just me, right now anyway. This way, H 'provides' for me as well as for the kids. He IS Mr. Deep Pockets for our family. Power.
A support friend of mine thought I was crazy to do this after the bomb. I told her that for me the trust had to start somewhere. She also wanted me to put all our accts into escrow until everything settled. I chose not to touch anything; that would have negated what I was determined to do w H.
One of the changes that I had to make (one of my lessons as Hurting Badly would say) was to not be so anal about our money. Let Sage play out one of his dreams of financial power.
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With your kids. Coach them that he is sharing w them. He is taking money out of his pocket to "provide" for them. He will need to hear graditude.
Our kids would probably quip that there dad was being selfish. I'd tell them that that goes w the condition (MLC) and to deal w it as pleasantly as possible.
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Other posters will have other ideas. You have to 'look' at your situation and figure out how best to attain the goal you want for "you".
Remember, you can't change him. You can only change the way you yourself do things. For me it was to turn over the money and give him the power.
Funny thing. Back in the early spring he told me that I should control the money; I'm better at it than him. Pyric victory.
He did go through a period of "instant gradification spending". I duct taped my mouth and quietly figured out how to shuffle money around in our accts. I think he was 'testing' me by some of this spending. I passed. After awhile he wondered aloud if we could afford these things. I just said that the "cushion' was getting low and he stopped. "Cushion" is one of the terms he likes to use to indicate the decretionary funds.
