Just when I thought things were finally getting good, I'm feeling the same pain all over again.
H told me yesterday he was miserable. I know he is. It was a little too close for comfort because that's exactly the line he used when he dropped the bomb. "I'm miserable and don't know why."
He's having an awful time at work. Company change-over; different responsibilities. It's a dead-end job at this point. But I feel like he takes out his frustrations on me and blames me for it. That's a lot of what happened last year. He was miserable, and he decided that I must be making him miserable.
I love him. I think he is the most amazing person I know. But I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. His parents told me he's never been happy...not even as a child. And that's all I want.
I thought we were doing well. Things were great. We were talking to each other. I was making great strides in being honest with him instead of sparing his feelings. I've been hanging out and helping him around the garage. I've kept my mouth shut about our living arrangement. He was touching me more.
But I get some confusing signals from him. One minute he's hugging me or touching me, etc. and the next he's giving me this look. His mother saw the look the other night as I was walking by him. She asked him what that was for. I could tell she was shocked. I'm not perfect, but I've been pretty damn clear close...and have done just about everything he's wanted me to do. I've been staying home every night after work. I clean constantly. I stopped spending money. I agreed to move in with his parents. My whole point is that I know deep down that I am not his problem. Even after I changed everything he picked at, he's still not happy.
So, I'm trying to put my DB thinking cap back on. I know I need to start with my goals.
1. I want H to be happy. 2. I want to feel comfortable in my M. 3. I want to have real intimacy.
How will things be different when those 3 goals are met? What would be my miracle day?
1. H would call me on the phone and sound happy. 2. H would not give me those "if looks could kill" looks anymore. 3. H and I would talk about what's going on in our lives without the fear that one of us is going to leave. 4. H would stop calling me names and speak civily to me when he's irritated over things. 5. H will hold my hand.
Basically, we would spend some time together. We would talk to each other like humans with some compassion. I've just been so afraid of him dropping another bomb or worse yet, just leaving. But then I have other signs that contradict that. He's putting me on the plan for work that will let me drive his company car. He's helping me look for a job near where we will be living. He's been helping me move our stuff. So sometimes I think he's emotionally packing to leave, but then I see other things that make me question that.
