Well, maybe if you usually pursue it's time to distance a little. Make her wonder what's going on with you. Give her something to to think about, worry about. Maybe she needs a taste of how it would feel to think you could get interested in someone else. Hate to say it, but sometimes a little jealousy can do the trick.
I certainly know what you mean about not doing things for yourself. Seems like I can't think about anything but OR anymore. I really can't remember what I used to think about before this all started.
Some days I'm gung-ho about working hard and making things work. Other days I wonder why I put so much energy into a M with a man who broken my heart and very nearly crushed my soul. I guess I'm just too stubborn to give up. Or, maybe, like you I just want to prove I can do it. Then what? The fact is, I'm married to a man who, when things got tough, took the easy way out. Hard to respect that. On the other hand, I do respect the fact that he came to me on his own and told me everything. I would never have known. At least he had the decency to feel enough guilt and remorse, and the decency to want to try to make a fresh start with me knowing everything and being able to make an "informed" decision about continuing our M. I do respect him for that.
I really liked what you said before about just enjoying the R right now and for as long as it lasts. That's what I've decided to do. It's got to be harder for you, I'd think, if you suspect your W is still trying to meet guys. You are an incredibly strong person and must love your W very much.
I wish I had some words of wisdom to help you. I sometimes feel so drained in trying to figure out my own situation that I can't imagine anything I'd have to say could help anyone else.
We are living in parallel worlds and you are right about the "ongoing" pursuit being my big problem. Her deceit is really wearing on me lately. I feel very "tired" today and with the right of prompting I would probably tell her "If you really think there is better out there, go find it. Knock yourself out, but don't be too surprised when my new W makes you look like 3 day old leftovers. Don't be too surprised when you feel like crap for throwing the best thing you ever had away and all your friends have to say is I told you so. Don't be too surprised when that "loser" you thought was your soulmate isn't prince charming after all. Don't be too surprised when our children hurt because of what you are doing. I will not feel vindicated or joyous about your "failure". I will be disappointed that you made a huge mistake that will affect us forever. I so very badly want to stop all of this from happening but it isn't mine to stop. This is a path you are chosing and I need to get out of your way. You know what this R and our family means to me and I only hope it means the same to you. If I am not what you want then go and find it but be honest about it. Have the strength to go after it fully and not try to have your cake and eat it too. Otherwise work with me and we can build great things, but you can't do both. You have told me that you choose us and we have too much invested to walk away. Then don't walk away, put your heart and soul into us and the rewards will be magical. I simply will not put up with the two lives you are trying to live." Wow, did it feel good to rattle that off.
It is so hard to respect her as she is right now. The scary thing is I am starting to feel like I could walk away quite easily at some point. How can I love some one that I don't trust or respect? I must or I wouldn't still be here.
Sorry to bum everyone out today but the closer I come to success the harder it is getting for me to take the setbacks. I will not give up but my expectations are zero. Knowing how this roleer coaster ride goes we will probably being renewing our vows at this time tomorrow. LOL
Michelle makes a good connection between WAW's and mid life crisis. Have you read much about MLC? Since our situations are so similiar, i want to point out some things that may help you, I hope. 99% of what you have explained about your W actions and statements are poster child MLC. I hate the term MLC and find "life transition" to be much more suitable. Whatever you want to call it. Women in their 30's commonly go through it. Was your W a rebel in her youth? Did she have strict parents? My guess would be yes. Learn more about MLC and you'll understand more about your W's actions. The best advise ive recieved is from Isle Guy on the MLC board, he said.... "pull up a seat, sit down and watch the show, or better yet, ignore the show"
The sooner you give her full control, the sooner she will realize that she is not battling with you, she's battling with herself. Only then can she make some progress.
DB hardly works with people in MLC, thats why its so frustrating, you have to wait til they come out of it.
Take yourself out of the situation and watch her battle herself, shes feeling alot more pain than she's letting on to and when you become a safe person to talk with, she'll talk the truth to you, but not before she's ready, and you cant speed it up.
I could go on and on man.
All that said, youre doing a great job.
If you find any of this to be true for your sit, go to the MLC board and talk with Isle Guy, he's a pro in this arena.
What you are saying sounds pretty accurate. My first posts on this BB referenced her MLC. That is definitely the core of our problem. The good news is I think she is starting to pull out of it, slowly. A good friend of mine made the same comment about standing back and watching the show. It has definitely been a soap opera. I will venture a little more often over to the MLC board. I have tried to stay away from the MLC and Infidelity board because they make my mind race and I start to project future problems too much. Pretty silly, huh. Anyway, she is definitely showing signs of "trying". She lets me know her schedule, doesn't "go out", spends much less time on the computer, and is contributing at home.
I was very aggressive with telling her what she was doing was unacceptable. At first, that just increased her lying but then I would expose the lies and "out" her activities again. That made things hard for a while but I could not stand by and let these things happen. I finally told her that if she is going to act like this that she can't do it in this house. That slowed down her behavior considerably. She told a friend of ours that I love her too much to throw her out. My actions blew that theory of hers. My aggressiveness stopped things for a while but she hadn't gotten it fully out of her system. At least we were at a point where we could talk to it. 2 months into the "talking" stage she is daily making positive comments about the R and her actions are positive as well.
I confronted her several times but I also worked on my behaviors and my physical attractiveness. She was trying to meet these "models" on a singles site so I knew what I was competeing with. What male model needs a singles site to get women? I was a model and certainly didn't need any help. I also told my W that I was going to start modeling again to "find myself". She didn't like that idea at all. Hey, fight fire with fire.
Thanks for stopping in Joe. I will take all the advice I can get. I need to start a new thread soon so stop in on that one too.
Well I think youre doing a great job considering the maddness. Like I said I can relate to 90% of your story, mine is extremely similar. I have found the MLC board to be more informational, but less productive when trying to figure out how to cope. Its mostly women with MLC husbands, and in my opinion a different ball game. Some would disagree. I'll be watching your thread and will speak up if i feel I can add anything. Thanks for posting, your story has helped me see my own a little more objectively.
Thanks for the kudos Joe but all I did was follow my gut feeling and buffer out the pure reactionary feelings. It worked for me. I think there are three stages that have to be worked through. First, you have to let them go to see what direction they are heading. Second, you have to make yourself more appealing for them to come back to. Third, if they are acting unacceptably and not making any progress back the "new" you then you have to get firm with them. I will not be a doormat and would rather end the M than wait around while she decided whether I was good enough or not. That is pretty cavalier but it got me this far. As soon as I felt pretty solid improvement I would push a little harder and repeat as necessary. There would always be a slight retreat followed by more progress. I call it bumping up against the line without crossing it. Oh, it is definitely a dance. Once I felt she was really getting close my confidence soared. I started to feel like I didn't "need" her if she was going to do this to me. That was a huge revelation, especially when a friend of my W told me that several of her friends would love to go out with me if I was back on the "market". My W had me so beat down that I felt worthless but not any more though.
I reconsidered and am hoping to not start another thread. I will ride this one until it is closed and then I am done. Maybe I can just peek in and help others win the war against the big D. Have a great weekend everybody!
Hi Tbone, Just got back from vacation as well and updated myself with your thread. It seems you've improved your PMA quite a bit and have successfully made steady progress. It is tough to benchmark the progress when you're your living it minute by minute. I know I am having touble determining the amount of progress in my own sitch.
Please reconsider about starting a new thread, if to just keep us informed on how you are doing.
quote:Third, if they are acting unacceptably and not making any progress back the "new" you then you have to get firm with them.
If you are still stopping by, I'd love to hear how you operationalize this one and how it helped. I could use more positive firmness in my repertoire first with myself. Then lovingly but "meaning business" w my H. 2L
I'm gonna jump in here and tell you what I do. t might not agree, and that's fine. I hope he still answers your question. Here's why... t and I have both had to "lay down the law", and we've done it in different ways. And both ways have worked. Each situation is different, and only you know yours well enough to know what works. And only you know yourself well enough to know if the way you handle it is an attempt to control or a statement of you boundaries. Cuz I believe that is what it comes down to, boundaries...
I have often told my W how I want things to be. I frame it as "this is how I'd prefer things to be..." or "I'm uncomfortable with the course of action you are pursuing...". Then, I drop it. She's not an idiot. She heard me. She knows. If she has any respect for me, she will honor my wishes to what ever degree she can without sacrificing her Self in the process. If she has no respect for me, well, that opens a different discussion. One not necessarily for the "Piecing..." forum.
t has done this in a somewhat different way. Now, let's hear him tell you about that, and you can see how 2 different treatments have worked in their respective situations. Hopefully they will help you find the strength and wisdom to work yours.
Here goes. I had made my changes and she was giving me the impression that things were going better. I snooped and found out that she was still "pursueing" men she had met on match.com. She said it was just a "social" thing for her and it didn't mean anything but I didn't like it at all no matter how she phrased it. I simply told her that I had made my changes and I thought we were doing very well but her "friends" were not going to help us in any way to have a quality M. I also asked her if it is no big deal why does she lie about it. I told her that contact with them is not acceptable to me and how would she feel if the roles were reversed. I also told her that I can't control her but any "contact" with them from our home was forbidden for the sake of the children. She was spending hours online and ignoring our boys.
I didn't get tough until I thought she was mostly back and just needed a "push". She was in major MLC so DBing didn't really seem to work much with her. She was thinking of only herself and wasn't seeing anything she was doing as wrong. It was ugly and don't think it is over yet. I just have a "funny" feeling but I don't snoop to find out. I will handle it even tougher next time though. She is pretty much out of "get of jail free cards" with me. I keep working on myself and I really don't think she is doing the same so it will be interesting. I have already told her that I can't deal with another tax season like she put me through last year. She promised it wouldn't be. We'll see.
You really have to pick your moments with a MLC and don't try anything tough unless you can handle the backfire.
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