Old Newcomer, New to Piecing

[ANS]

Glad to hear you're doing OK, tbone.

I'm worried about you, though. You're starting to sound like YOU're getting ready to walk away.

IMHO, it's easier in the short term (emotionally), but if you wait long enough, she'll come back.

I agree with you that your "value" has gone up in her eyes. I wouldn't say that it's obviously not enough. It could be enough, but these things take a lot of time before they become obvious.

Stay tbone.

Andy

[tbone]

Andy,
I didn't mean to convey the wrong message about "OW". I would never violate our M vows, I simply mean that my W and I have good times but there isn't the "connection" there used to be. I feel more like just a "friend" that she happens to live and have sex with. I provide for some basic needs of hers like shelter, food, co-parent, and sex. I obviously do more than that but that is how I feel.

She is really good at deception so if I don't snoop I will think life is good. I am doing my best at detachment, acting as if, and acceptance. That is my way of reaching strength, stabiliy, security, and solutions. If some info happens to come my way I plan to ask her what is going on and believe her answer. Truth or lie. There is an old country song called "I let her lie". I will tolerate her lying until I can't and then I will let her lie in the bed she made. No hostility and no regrets.

My gut tells me she will come to her own conclusions pretty soon but my attitude will stand. I will treat her with courtesy and kindness and I will reciprocate the love that is given to me. Effectively, I am dropping my "emotional input" down to the same level that she is at. If she loves me like a "friend" I will reciprocate, if she loves me like her husband and soulmate I will reciprocate. I have not e-mailed her in a week nor said ILY in 2 weeks. I was trying to make her "think" I might walk away with my words, now I am letting her know that I will walk by my actions. I plan on saying very little about OR in the near future as my actions will take over. If she betrays me I will stay away from her, if she recommits to me 100% I will be her everything. This is a defensive tactic but also a 180 as I am usually quite offensive (ha ha). She can take this R wherever she wants. I am now okay with that, I really wasn't before as you all know.

I think I love her (that wasn't a question before) and I hope she can love me too "someday". My recent 180 in attitude should help my patience so I have a better chance of getting to "someday".

I will be leaving the office soon for the big V (vacation that is, I took care of the other big V 2 years ago ) I will update you all when I get back and I am pretty sure it will be very positive.

Have a great 4th everyone!

TBONE

[ANS]

tbone,

I hope I didn't imply that you were going to violate your M vows. I just know that we sometimes lose our feelings for our spouse because of their current behavior.

Been there:

quote:Originally posted by ANS 09-11-2001 10:19 AM on Andy's Story:

This morning, I awoke at 4AM. I was TOTALLY devoid of feeling for W. I'm not talking about loving detachment either. I had no affection, no love, no resentment. NADA! I felt cold. Emotionless. I've never - not in the lowest of times felt like this.

DBing is all about improving yourself. I don't consider becoming an emotionless automaton to be self-improvement.

Have a happy 4th yourself. In my case, it's the 1st (Canada Day)

Andy

[tbone]

I hear what you are saying Andy. This is somewhat of a crutch to get me where I want to be and I realize that. It is a way to let me stop "doing what doesn't work", i.e. being too attached. Your concerns are very valid but this is a way for me to get my "balance" back.

My W is in for a shock when I get home. My "hair lady" was "dying" to highlight my hair so I let her. My W has wanted to do this before so I think it will surprise her. What can it hurt? My hair grows back very fast and my W just bought me some bandanas to wear so I can always cover it up. My "hair lady" was surprised to hear I wear bandanas and was going to let her highlight my hair. Its fun keeping people guessing. If they only knew about my polka dot pocket protector and matching calculator;) .

Sorry for insulting any non-americans with the "4th" comment. I guess us americans are as arrogant as the world says.

Two more fires to put out and I am outa here.

Andy,

How is the cycle thing going? Has the snow actually melted yet in the "great white north"?

TBONE

[RMC]

I had to comment when I read your thread-I have this huge problem of keeping my mouth shut. It really got me into trouble last night. I started a R talk. I do it way too often for one. I have told myself I will leave the heavy stuff for therapy where he tends to be more receptive and understanding. I started it at 11;30 pm after we got home from a party. I started asking questions about the OW-trying to get reassuranse from him. He has told me to tell him when I'm insecure-well that would be all the time, so I try to space it out a little. He had a 2 1/2 yr affair. HE broke it off after I found out, came home and has been really trying to be "normal". HE does say ILY, we do alot together but he says he still has a hard time talking to me-afraid that I will take it wrong or it will turn it into an argument. I am very sensitive, and still WAY out there on the trust thing. How do you handle that? It builds up just like you say, and it is SO hard not to say anything. Last night I actually asked him if he loved the OW. This was after several other questions, and he was getting irritated and would not answer me. I asked him why won't you answer? When you don't, it makes me think you do. He has told me before that he loves me,and cared alot for her but did not love her like me. Well,I also know he told her that he did love her when they were together. What would have been so hard for him to just say "no, I don't love her-I love you??? That's all I needed to hear. After all, after that kind of betrayal is that asking too much? He just said he did not want to discuss it because one question leads to another.He even made the comment that maybe he should move back out-he does not want to live like this-fighting. I told him I did not want to either, but I am feeling really insecure about trusting him. He lied well for all that time. How do I know he's not doing it again? He says there is no contact-that he will tell me if she tries to contact him and he will not answer his cell if its her. DO you know how hard it is to beleive that? The only way I amm gong to get this man to stay here and be happy is shut up about the affair and just love him and act as though he is telling the truth,which he may or not be. My problem lies in the obsession that he is not. I need some real practical advise here on how you do that when your petrified with fear. I think about it 24/7 and have been trying to fake it till I make it,but like I said it builds up and something inside of me looses control and needs that reassurance from him. I guess the key here is how to get it-and timing. There are times when they just don't want to talk about it-period. Help me-I don't want to find myself back where I was-separated, ever again. Rachael M.

[tbone]

Rachel,

Survey says: I don't know either!

My plan is to enjoy our good times together and assume the best. I have made myself as attractive to her as I can and I have the same mindset as when we were dating. I have the "goods" and either she wants them or she doesn't. If she can't love me like I love her then I will have to find someone who does. My W is going thru some MLC sort of thing so I need to be patient while she sorts it out. My problem is that I am not very patient and my friends and I all see what great changes I have made. This only makes me wonder why she can't just "give in" and realize what she has.

She made some comment in front of her sisters in regard to our 10th anniversary about "so I have to tolerate you for another 10 years". I said "you don't "have" to do anything". She responded "Oh I am just kidding". Anytime she has made a comment like that in the past month I have responded similarly. She has been playing a control game on me for the past two years but I have recently quit. She knows I have zero desire for a divorce so she has been threatening that whenever I don't "play" her game. My recent responses have been more along the line of "If you want to go, then go because I will survive". I have said this in a very casual, calm attitude while we were in a "playful" mood. I can only do this now because I truly feel that way. It comes accross with a little arrogance but I don't have to put up with a potentially unfaithful spouse who has recognized my changes, appreciates me when it is convenient, but will not commit to OR. What is truly interesting is that once she caused me enough to pain to feel this way, she seemed more attracted to me. Was it the "take it or leave it" attitude? Was she finally seeing my "changes"? All I know is that I am going to keep doing what works and not what doesn't. Obsessing and constantly asking her about the R only freaked her out. Life is about choices and and if she makes poor ones in regards to OR then I will be making choices as well. I have the strength and confidence to do what is best for me now.

The vacation was awesome. The weather was more like the carribean than the northwoods (80's & 90's and sunny with no rain what so ever). Most of our time was spent on the water wakeboarding, skiing, and barefooting (Going accross the water on your barefeet at 40 mph is a rush you have to experience). Our 7 year old waterskied for the first time and made us very proud. We all had a great time and no conflicts at all. I got very tan and am in the best shape since we got M. My W is digging the new bod and hairdo.

My reply to Rachel pretty much shows how I feel about my M. My W and I have so much fun together and are very much in synch. I feel like we are headed for a "breakthrough" very shortly. I will continue to enjoy the good times and tell her how I feel about the "negative" things. My goal is to have a loving, positive, and functional M and my ideal is for it to be with my current W. Think about that one a little bit.

TBONE

[tbone]

I have made an observation. The number of new members is skyrocketing and there isn't as much action on this board. Is the whole M concept crashing down or is it just coincedence?

Feeling great today as the momentum is on my side in the R. Just little, boring things but I am pumped just the same.

I hope Andy is okay, he seems to have disappeared from the board.

TBONE

[Ultreya]

Hey TBone,
What if... on the other side of that coin... the whole M concept is on an upswing... therefore more people looking for ways to save/rejuvenate it. Also with the release of the DR book... it contains the address for this site...which was not in the original DB book... just a thought.

U

[tbone]

I forgot about the website being in the new book. That would explain a lot.

Update:
W was home by herself for most of the day and it looks like she spent it on the computer. She seemed rather distant when I got home. It appears to me by her actions that she contacted some of her "friends" yesterday. I fought my reaction to say something about it or just snoop and confirm my suspicions because that won't really help me. I was going to act "as if" but I am wondering if I should just distance instead. I usually pursue at this time but I am thinking a 180 would be good here. I want to back off when she does this but I am not sure what would be best. Any thoughts?

Actually, I am probably just trying to save this M to prove that I can do it. I have actually started to feel "fake" in the R. My respect for her is near zero because of her deceit and selfishness. Doesn't that sound terrible? Has anyone else dealt with these feelings?

I used to have such drive for everything I did. Now, I am either doing things "for her" or as a distraction "from her". This sitch has made me a little bit like a zombie. May be this is a sign that I am really not living for myself. Anyway, my anger seems to be boiling inside me over this whole sitch. I keep thinking "Who does she think she is?".

I plan to stay on the high road but it sure is tough. I guess I will get over the hurt and embarassment she has caused. I did need some humility.

TBONE

tbone,
I'm fresh out of advice at this point. I'm certainly feeling the distance you're feeling. Took me three and 1/2 years to get there though.
((((((tbone))))))

rayanne