2nd Time Learning IV

[IWB]

I have started a new link since my old one will be locked soon. You may reference the rest of my whining and fretting through these links.

2nd Time Learning I
2nd Time Learning II

2nd Time Leaning III

There have been significant changes in my situation, and I will try to recount them later.

[brueniap]

Geez IWB - don't make us wait too long - you've got my curiosity up big time.


brue

[IWB]

Crisis #2
W received a scathing email from her sister(S). It involved rumors her sister heard about her that were exaggerated. In the email S talked about her being a bad example and wh**ing around. I won’t get any further detailed than that, but to say the least, she was very upset by it.

She is clearly been shocked into depression, although I am not convinced she won’t go back to replay. However, she has made comments about things she has bought or had done, and how it has not brought her happiness or increased her self confidence. She wants to sell her car, quit her job, and never talk to her sister again.

As far as we go. I don’t know. Her rings are still off, although she needs hugs, I have a hard time supporting her completely until she can turn herself around. I went through this a few months ago, and she was back to her replay self a few weeks later. The email said something about rumors that she wanted her H to drop over dead or leave her. I asked her about that, and she never really responded. That made me feel warm and fuzzy.

[IWB]

A response was given to the email, and I was asked to read it before it went out. W received a response to the response. Each email had information in it that hurt me, and made me wonder if it is worth continuing support of W. I was asked to delete the last response from S if it would upset her, and I did. Hmmm, still protecting her. Is this the right thing to do? Perhaps she needs to experience all of this pain.

However, I am in this for the long haul. It upsets me that her relationship with her sister may be damaged beyond repair at this point. But if this is what she needed to shock her out of replay, I owe her everything.

I was hoping some of you has some advice of how to proceed here. Ways I can move her along without making her go back to replay. She has shown no movement back yet, but it is still too early after this shock.

[brueniap]

IWB - I don't think you can move her along to do anything or to avoid anything. Whatever the email said has caused some shock right now to her system. It'll be up to her to determine how her relationship will continue with her sister.

I'm sorry you had to read things that hurt you even more. I'm proud that you are able to still stand by her. I wouldn't try to protect her from these hurts tho. She can't heal if she doesn't face them. You won't look any better to her one way or the other. I know my H has been dealing with some ugly stuff - sure doesn't make him want to come to me to help or hold or whatever. The whole ball game is in their lap IWB - but I think you know that deep down inside.

Remember what happened the last time. She came to you for help - you helped her thru her hurt - then she dumped on you again. I think you can count on that pattern til she totally gets thru all this crap.

I'm sorry. Keep doing what you have been doing. Standing by yet focusing on working on you and detaching. This is where you will learn to be strong.

hugs to you friend

brue

[doug01]

I've been following and praying for you since you visited my thread. I'm sorry I do not have much to offer for advice, but I care and I am listening.

[IWB]

Many years ago I read about Thomas Jefferson and some of his rules for remaining peaceful. Jefferson was not a big man for religion. But, he did know that reducing regret now was important to our future happiness.

I thought about that today as I worked on projects. Much of what we are all going through reduces the regret/guilt that we may experience later.

This was reinforced when I took a break and watched the end of "Field of Dreams". I don't know how many people have seen this movie, but I think it deals with solving the regret in one man's life. I hadn't seen this since my father died, and it brought up alot of emotion. It made me think again of why I DB. I do this partly so I don't regret later. So I feel I have done everything I could.

I am not sure what will happen with me. I see W changing, and I keep a peace and faith that this changing is positive and being guided by God. She does waffle through each of her crisis'. She has resolved some of the issues with her sister, but the letter did affect her, and she has made changes. She has gone back to tanning, started driving her convertible, and still not put on her rings. I am not sure if she moving, or getting better at hiding her disgust. As the time since the letter increases, I have more cooties, and she has been restless again at bedtime. Is it still right to detach, or should I be more interactive? Should I compliment her more, and show her how much I appreciate her, without ILUs?

I appreciate the advice many of you have provided already.

Brue, thanks for keeping up with my sporadic posts, and Doug, thanks for the continued prayers. You all stay in my prayers, and I hope you find God's will in your lives.

[job]

IWB,
I would leave your wife be. When she needs your assistance, she will come to you. She's still dealing w/the fall out of what her sister wrote and that may be bringing her to task at this time.

Continue being a friend and nothing more for now. She's having to deal w/some issues at this time and when she's ready, she'll talk to you about them.

Keep the focus on your family and on you.

[brueniap]

I've been wondering how you were doing IWB - I was going to email you since we hadn't heard from you. It actually sounds like you are hanging in there fairly well. I'm proud of you. There's more peace in your posts - despite the situation you're in.

I've kept you in my prayers. Keep doing what you're doing.

brue

[IWB]

I am weak tonight. I am afraid to go to sleep, but I must go. That feeling has returned, where I feel like there is nothing in my stomach and heart. Like someone has punched a hole in both, and my body is trying to acclimate to the missing parts.

Momentum will carry me, and I will get through this moment of weakness again. Perhaps I need sleep instead of avoiding. Perhaps I will feel better in the morning.