Quote: It is so incredibly hard to stay focused while in such pain.
Indeed it is. Good for you for trying. We're here to help.
Quote: I have written goals that I would like for my perfect marriage and will next be breaking them down into small pieces to see what things would be happening if I was working towards these.
Ok, while that's good, and I think something that's advocated in the books, I think it's a little premature, as is any other deep thoughts about what may be in the future marriage you hope to have. Like PL said, focus on you right now and let the marriage stuff wait a bit.
Quote: Here is my question. do I share these with H? or do i just keep them to myself right now and work on my own without his knowledge?
One of the great truisms in these sitches is that for the most part, and in most cases, the WAS do not want a relationship with us anymore, or at least not a committed, monogamous marriage with us. They want to do what they are doing, free from the ties that bind. Does that mean they don't care anymore? No, it does not. Does that mean there's no hope for a renewed marriage in the future? No. What it does mean is that you pursuing this "perfect marriage" with him, or sharing your vision with him right now, likely will only serve to make him think that you are not listening to him. He's told you he's not really interested in your relationship right now. Sure, you can't believe much of anything he says, but that doesn't mean you can't use it to your advantage when you can. It doesn't mean you take him at his word so you can force yourself to do the hard, deeply personal work ahead.
What I mean by that is no, you don't talk to him about it. Your goals for the future CAN include what you HOPE he will do but at this point you have no control over that, so your goals for the immediate future should all be concerned with you, and things YOU want beyond the scope of this crisis, beyond the concern of your H.
He is on his path and now you have to set forth on yours. You have to learn how to walk without leaning on him. You have to learn to love a life that simply has him in it, but does not draw on him for inspiration. Inspiration has to now come from within.
Quote: How do I know when to include him in my goals for our future?
That's tough but I think it's fair to say, based on my personal experience and reading the experience of many others here, that you will just know. I would say that you include him in your goals for the future when he includes you in his. You ALWAYS know in the back of your mind and heart that you WANT him to be a part of your future but in so far as actually communicating that to him, I think you need not do that much more. He gets the picture by now. He KNOWS what you want. Now show him that you're going to take the road less traveled and look within to get it instead of outside yourself.
Quote: How do I do this without doing R talk?
You don't. You don't R talk at this point. There really is no R to talk about, and while that's sad, it's also the freeing thought that sets you in motion, ready to take ACTION to heal yourself in the absence of anything else to do. RIGHT NOW, there is really little else to do but work on your half of the equation and monitor his for changes.
Post often, read as much as you can, give yourself a break now and then and try to stay strong. Remember, YOU'RE in control of YOUR life.
