Old Newcomer, New to Piecing

[ANS]

Yeah, tbone. It ain’t fair. I’ll never tell you that what she’s doing is right. It isn’t!

You’re also right about her being in control. The golden rule of a R is that whoever wants the least out of a R is in control.

It sucks! No doubt about it.

But the way I see it, there’s nothing you can do about the inequity. The only thing you can do is to leave the R behind, or accept the unfairness of it all.

My vote is for acceptance. Throw away the scorecard. Be the best person you can be. Set an example.

Will that make her behavior stop or get worse? I don’t think it’ll get any worse. She’s so desperate for freedom that she’s seizing it with both hands and to heck with the consequences. In a sense, it’s something that she has to “get out of her system.”

So. These guys she’s dating… Are they good people? Do they ooze with integrity? Will they stick with her through thick and thin?

If not, who will she be better off in the long run?

I know the answers to these questions. Some day, your W will see it too.

quote:Originally posted by tbone:
Andy,
Thanks for all of your quick responses to my crisis. I need to follow your advice about behavior dictating feelings. I keep doing that backwards.

Start by feeling good about yourself, tbone. You're a really great guy. You ooze with integrity.

[tbone]

I am so damn torn. The consensus here is acceptance, patience, and time is the answer. My W and I friends say in no amount of time will she change her ways. She is a liar and manipulator to the core. This is from long time close friends of ours (they actually like her a lot but they do know much about that character flaw). That is so painful to take and it even hurt them to say it.

I will take this sitch until it gets better or I get tired of being tired. There are many reasons to wait including the boys, finances, DBing, etc. In the mean time I need to MASTER detaching and loving acceptance. Wish me luck.

TBONE

[KAW]

Hi Tbone and everyone else,

I've been following your sitch very closely. Many similarities to mine (which I just posted.) I feel for ya and agree with much of Andy's responses.

One thing tho - its not so much as accepting her behavior as it is backing off and distancing yourself from it. She sees nothing wrong with what see does and you have no control over that right now. Basically, she wants the cake & eat it too! My W went as far as to tell me several times she didn't want to stop R with OM until she finds out if it would lead to something more!!! (Tough time swallowing that one...)

Just back off, keep your distance, but be polite about the sitch and continue DBing with 180's and AS-IF with determination. She will continue to notice the changes in you. My W recently told me, she just got to tire of continuing to resist the changes that I made then she just gave in, step back and started to look back my way in earnst. After a week, she decided she like what she saw and she choose to recommit to the M.

'til later,
KAW

[ANS]

WoW Kaw!!!!

How'd you get so wise???

Got any wise-pills you can sell me?

Andy

[KAW]

Andy,
After reading much of what is happening here on the BB, I feel more lucky than wise, but what wisdom I do have I gathered from all ya people here!!!

Wisdom pills ... ummmm ... wasn't they on the informercial I flipped to before nodding off in the wee hours of the morning ...

'til later
KAW

[tbone]

Thanks for the input Kaw. I like the part about distancing versus ignoring. I have come to the realization that our M will probably end but I don't know when. That isn't said in sadness, it is said in fact. The plan is to enjoy our R and my life as much as possible until they are both over. I love her and am committed to her but I can't help her with her problems and she isn't helping herself. We have great times together but that isn't going to be enough for both of us in the long run. She knows I will forever be loyal but her need for "more" (money, toys, love) will probably not allow her to do the same. People can not change who they are in their core. She has some pretty deep issues with her internal happiness that I never knew about. I can not deal with the deception caused by her unhappiness. I am okay with all of this now.

My ideal in M simply isn't here. We enjoy each others company but her love for me isn't there right now. If I don't allow her flaws to bother me I really feel pretty darn good. Life is too short not to enjoy everyday and I am not enjoying everyday per yesterdays posts. I lost the perspective that our R is more like dating right now than a M. The breakup will be far messier but dating is a far more accurate depiction of what we have. My tendency is towards perfection and that always makes me miserable. It can never be acheived yet I keep trying.

We leave Friday for our 9 day vacation with her entire family. It is always a good time. Our time with the boys has been really limited with all the work around the house but we will catch that up next week. W and I are hoping to do a lot of things together like lounge around, sleep, have tropical drinks, wakeboard, barefoot (Yes, I am a CPA that can dance, drives a big truck, can operate all power tools, and barefoot), golf, and lounge around some more. Even the forecast looks promising.

As you can tell my attitude is back where it needs to be so I will probably back off of the BB again to help maintain that. I obsess too much on my sitch when I read about others. Happy DBing to all.

TBONE

[ANS]

tbone,

I don't think you're giving your W enough credit. She doesn't have enough toys to stay married to you?????

If she's not happy, it's not because you aren't providing for her.

So go ahead and date her. That sounds like fun.

I don't think your attitude is where it should be. You've gone from one extreme to another. From obsessing to resignation.

Try to strike a balance, tbone.

Don't raise your expectations, but don't toss out your hopes.

Go on your vacation and have a ball. You don't need toys. you need quality time and fun.

TTFN,
Andy

[KAW]

Tbone,
First thanks for visiting my thread. In regards to your own sitch, please keep in mind that when I thought things were at their darkest, that's when the beam of light bursted its way thru! There is a lot of positives I see in your post that you seem to be glancing over.

Dating is a great way for her to see who you really are now! Think about it ... dating / courting is the medium we use to initiate a R because it gives us an oppurtinty to see what the other person in like. In a way, you are really trying to start a new R in the M. It will give her more oppurtinities to see the 180's you have taken. Use "AS-IF" to approach each date and between each one to build positively on the last (in baby steps that is.) This takes determination to consistantly do this because the effects are not immediate, but that's where the patients comes in. Beacause when she is ready to change her perspective and takes an earnst look your way - the DBing you have been doing will make you the best you can be.

None of this ever is easy, but use this BB to help gather the strength, keep focused on your DBing to gain stability, and on your goals to achieve solutions ... we're all rooting for ya!

'til later,
KAW

[tbone]

Thanks guys but I can't survive without somewhat resigning to the facts as they are (Perpetual lies, EA's, no respect, manipulation). By her actions she is showing me what is important to her. This "giving up" is a 180 from everything I believe in but I am losing myself by investing so hard in our R. I may gain some hope back soon but all I can do in the mean time is start living for me. Maintaining my hope only makes me depressed when the next mini-bomb hits.

Her business is getting stronger but she has dug such a deep hole that it causes us a lot of stress. If it was just finances or our R I could be stronger but it is both of them and they kind of multiply the problems. She has agreed to let me do all of the books to keep a better tab on things. I hope this isn't a problem later but I can't let her manage it the way she has been. She doesn't like when I act like her "father" but she has so often acted like a child (especially with finances) that there wasn't a lot different that I could have done. I feel kind of ill and numb right now. I keep getting these mini-bombs dropped on me all the time.

I am just wining and feeling sorry for myself like I always do when she disappoints me AGAIN. You all know the pain and my skin is getting thicker so it doesn't hurt quite as badly as it used to. Thanks for your support. Ofcourse you are both right and hope will spring eternal but she has kicked me in the guts several times in the last week. This always happens when I start standing a little too tall and exposing my sensitive underbelly. This isn't the end of the world it just feels like it sometimes. I will have a couple of margaritas for all of those on this BB that have saved me from becoming too pathetic. I toast you all and wish that your S discover how blessed they are to have you in their lives.

TBONE

[tbone]

Having fun with W the past couple days. She has been busting tail around the house. She can out work most guys I know when she gets "on a mission". Yesterday she stained the whole front porch as a surprise for me and mowed the lawn and ran all of the laudry and more. She is as proud of her accomplishments lately as am I. Here is the tough part. The look in her eye tells me there is a reason that she is doing all of this stuff. I think she is trying to "make up" for her ongoing EA's. Well, whatever! We are still having fun, laughing, very intimate, getting along. If she really needs more than what I have to offer, so be it. I mean that. If she approaches me at some point and tells me that she is leaving for someone else I will not be surprised. I will be disappointed but not surprised. My confidence is coming back and I realize that I can't do a whole lot more than I already am.

How do I say this? My love for her is lessening as she continues to betray me. I feel bad about it but she is draining my love away with her deceit. That is probably the reason for my recent change of attitude. I am still enjoying our time together very much but I also have come to the realization that I could do these same things with OW. That would not be my choice but it may come to that someday. I have a great repoir with many of my female clients, coworkers, and friends. If my W abandons OR she will be losing so much more than she realizes right now. I think my "value" has gone up in her eyes lately but it obviously is till not enough.

This new level of detachment is reducing my urge to snoop dramatically. I have asked her what else I could improve on to help OR and she couldn't come up with one thing. That feels pretty good. Maybe that will show her that its "not me". Yeah.

TBONE