My W is going to keep acting the same way as she sees absolutely nothing wrong with her behavior. That is our sticking point. She wants me to accept whatever she is doing and live with it. This is the love test, "If he loves me he will accept it". It will take everything I have to live like this and not lose myself along the way. My anxiety is back and that makes my life miserable. I can't get the OM thoughts out of my head and it chews me up. I can't stomach the thought of her even thinking of OM. Part of it is pride and part of it is being afraid of the pain she will cause herself and our children with her actions. I hate these thoughts because I can't believe my impression of her has dropped so low. I feel she is capable of anything and would lie to cover it all up. These are not healthy thoughts and not good for the R but her pattern has led me here. I am kind of bottoming out this morning and need to get this off of my chest. I am hanging on way too tightly but I am just so frustrated. We seem so close to success but she won't let go of this other life. We get along so well until I question her about excessive spending or OM. As long as I accept whatever she does she treats me great. Maybe that is my destiny. Living a lie. Many of my friends tell me I deserve so much better than this. That is true but doesn't help me keep my family together. Why the hell can't she see that she could make this R so much better if she only tried? Not holding my breath on that one. I simply want more than she can give to me. Thats my problem not hers.
I am 2 months from asking her to leave or I will start "dating" as a means to "fight fire with fire". I wish I was as strong as the rest of you here but I don't have the stamina.
