tbone, I think it is much easier to try to work on a relationship from within. I asked H to leave under similar circumstances and we are still separated 3 and 1/2 years later. I think we could have worked it out if he had stayed.
That being said, he didn't quit when found out and it is really hard to get somebody to work on the marriage when they're feeling that the grass might be greener elsewhere. Whenever there's even a hint of somebody else, the battle becomes an uphill one.
I do think that a lot of this stuff is symptomatic, though. Since things seem to be getting better between you, maybe you should just leave things as they are for a while. She might abandon this other stuff when she feels better about your R.
It is very hard to live with. Think I know! Sorry!
I plan on turning the other cheek at least until our anniversary (2 months). I had not snooped for a month and thought things were going well. NOT. We are interacting better than ever but she continues to "pursue" OM. I have confronted before and I think she has learned to "act" that OR is good to appease me. Her ability to lie is phenomenal. That is the part I can't deal with. She does it to avoid confrontation, puff herself up, avoid consequences, etc. I feel like I will be lied to the rest of my life.
She will promise nothing so I have a choice. Live in this world of deception or leave it behind. That is a tough one.
I know someone who spends a lot of time in chat rooms. She (and others) like to "flirt" online. They also enjoy leading gullible people on. In other words, there's nothing to her flirtation. She's just playing mind games on people.
D'ya think that "love", "kisses", etc. and emailed "sensual licks all over your body" might be some of that?
She seeking some sort of escape with the e-mail thing but she has also met most of these people. She claims to be trying to find herself and no one has ever let her do that. I flat asked her what she would do in my shoes. She didn't know but thought that my not snooping (knowing the truth) had been a pretty good run in OR. Of course it was because you could live in your little fantasy world and still have me to come home to. I'd love to be able to do what I want with no responsibilites or consequences. I asked her again to stop lying and she said something about not asking. She won't stop and that leaves me to do the following:
1) Act as if 2) Enjoy our good times together 3) Let her pursue "herself"(new relationship) 4) Find myself back 5) Don't count on her long term
or
Actually give her some consequences
We had several OR today. She says I need to be patient, don't expect the truth, don't expect any change.
What I don't really understand is how she can act so happy with me and live this other life unless it is as harmless as she says. That or she is psychotic. The only time we have intense discussions is when I bring up her spending or lying. She sees no problem with her lying. That is what my friend sees as her character flaw which will never allow me peace as long as I am with her. I need honesty in OR and she can't give it. I am going to nominate her for an Oscar.
Open apology here for my ranting today. I fell off of the DB bus and it is my own fault. I keep trying to fix it but I need to fix me. My friends theory of my chances being 20/80 to save the R was forgotten in the good times. It isn't about her or the OM, why don't I get that. I guess it is back to the slowlee thing.
My W is going to keep acting the same way as she sees absolutely nothing wrong with her behavior. That is our sticking point. She wants me to accept whatever she is doing and live with it. This is the love test, "If he loves me he will accept it". It will take everything I have to live like this and not lose myself along the way. My anxiety is back and that makes my life miserable. I can't get the OM thoughts out of my head and it chews me up. I can't stomach the thought of her even thinking of OM. Part of it is pride and part of it is being afraid of the pain she will cause herself and our children with her actions. I hate these thoughts because I can't believe my impression of her has dropped so low. I feel she is capable of anything and would lie to cover it all up. These are not healthy thoughts and not good for the R but her pattern has led me here. I am kind of bottoming out this morning and need to get this off of my chest. I am hanging on way too tightly but I am just so frustrated. We seem so close to success but she won't let go of this other life. We get along so well until I question her about excessive spending or OM. As long as I accept whatever she does she treats me great. Maybe that is my destiny. Living a lie. Many of my friends tell me I deserve so much better than this. That is true but doesn't help me keep my family together. Why the hell can't she see that she could make this R so much better if she only tried? Not holding my breath on that one. I simply want more than she can give to me. Thats my problem not hers.
I am 2 months from asking her to leave or I will start "dating" as a means to "fight fire with fire". I wish I was as strong as the rest of you here but I don't have the stamina.
Yes you do, tbone. You have reserves of stamina that you don't even know about.
Man! It's tough. I know.
But you're right. She's testing you. I suspect that she isn't doing it conciously, but she wants unconditional love. So, she's pushing the envelope.
When we first fall in love, we fall all over ourselves to do things for the other. Sometimes one of us figures that this is a bad thing. Your W equates this to "changing herself for you". She figures that by doing this, she's being false to herself.
The only way to fight this is to give the appearance that this is OK. You're accepting her "true" self.
But, eventually, she'll tire of this. Y'know why? Because despite her self perception, that's not who she really is.
Resist the temptation to push back, tbone.
If you fight fire with fire, you're not being your true self either. You'll only be doing the same thing as her, and you'll fall into the same trap that she has. You'll regret it.
I am a little argumentative today so bear with me. I am supposed to "accept" her "dates" with other guys. She wouldn't "accept" that from me. What makes her so special that she can disrespect our M like this? She wants everything we have:kids,house,toys,romance,laughs,passion. The only thing I don't and won't provide her is a free pass to try and kill our M. I told her last night that she is in total control. "Stop dating and spending and your problem will go away." Her problem with me is my non-acceptance of her behavior. The only way to pull out of this circle is accept what she is doing. Who out there thinks acceptance will make her behavior will stop and who thinks it will get worse? I need mental strength that I don't have yet.
Andy, Thanks for all of your quick responses to my crisis. I need to follow your advice about behavior dictating feelings. I keep doing that backwards.
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