We had some more discussion last night about her "friends" especially when I called at 11:15 to find out where she was because she said she would be home by 10:00. They decided to play mini-golf after dinner and she ran into my cousin and her boyfriend so they had a beer. She said she doesn't know why people don't trust her because she has never done anything wrong. More bullsh**. We had a very lengthy boundry discussion which will probably not go anywhere. She said she needs "disposable" friends to talk to because they don't judge her like her other friends have. Read this to mean that they don't tell her what she is doing is wrong. She made some comment about not being stupid enough to throw it all away and have to go live with her parents so she could have a boyfriend for a month. That was interesting. She also said she knows how good she has it with me now.
I didn't back down from my posistion because I think shortly evolution will eliminate these "friends" from my world. I mean they met her on the premise of a "match" and now she vents to them about her life. That will get old soon. The R has been going very well except for this issue so I plan on shifting focus back to the "good" things. I have made my stance very clear so if she chooses to cross the boundries she will have to leave. I have made strong improvements in myself and those will continue. We communicate better and are relating so much better. She still has a big self-esteem issue which will take time to heal and I think this is a main reason for her "weird" ideas for "finding herself". As I have said before, my W needs gobs of attention and approval. We know some women in town who do this also and she finds them pathetic so why doesn't she see it in herself? Anyway, I probably made it sound like we fought all night but the discussions were actually very level headed and fact based. She practically slept "on" me last night and we made up this morning so I guess I "bumped up" against the line but didn't cross it. I guess that is what it takes to walk that fine, fine line between "doormat" and a**hole. My FIL told me to just ignore her antics but I would like to show my children a more functional way to relate to people. Could be an arrogant attitude to take but I have seen the end results of his "technique" and I couldn't accept that.
Thanks Rayanne and Z for replying. Having wise DBers saying I am doing the right things makes me feel confident that I can do this. It seems that I can tell her most anything if I do it in a calm, non-aggressive tone. And it only took me 12 years to figure that out! My gut tells me we are on the road to success so now I just need to stock up on patience.
I hope I can keep the stress down today because I am golfing with one of my partners and some high end clients today and high stress equals high score for me. My W wants us to golf together on fathers' day. I would love that. We have a dinner party tonight and she wanted to meet me early for a drink. The people at this party make a couple pre-dinner drinks almost mandatory. Can you say "pompous" and "opinionated". Yes, even more than me!
Thank God for this board and the great people here who are helping me save my marriage.
