I am pissed at myself this morning over how I handled some little things last night and this morning. It probably doesn't mean anything but I see two problems. When things improve in the R I tend to get more demanding and/or critical. I also don't handle rejection from her very well. She flirts and teases most of the day and then the whole putting the kids to bed routine tends to make her tired and frustrated. We have all been there but I certainly need to handle the situation better. I didn't make any blunders but I need to get better at realizing what really matters in my R. Too much micro-managing on my part. I tend to lose focus on the big picture very easily. I have seen that the R goes well when she wants it to. I don't think I have really changed that much. My motive has remained "fix it" instead of "fix me". Man am I pissed at my lack of discipline. I can't believe I have not snooped. One little victory. I know I am not supposed to be hard on myself but if I could keep my objectivity on what matters most of my worries would already be gone. This is so much in my hands which is right where I like it. I really need to do a better job on me. She has done most of what I was hoping she would do and all I did was watch. FOCUS, FOCUS, FOCUS.
I have been very lucky to get to this point. Now I am scared that I am blowing a golden opportunity by not DBing better. Hopefully this was a non-painful wake up call. Our R couldn't handle another trip to the bottom.
I really hate not being able to edit. My last post was pretty rough. Anyway, I was due for a set back. Two weeks seems to be my limit on forward progress. I called her to apoligize for being crabby and she was okay. A little chilly but nothing too bad. Well, I have kicked my own butt enough for one day.
One more thing. When I get down like this the anxiety and insecurity drive me crazy. I let our R own me completely. Any good remedies for this stuff. I am tempted to go get some fresh air. Actually, I am very tempted to go see her (her store is only a block away from my office). I shouldn't, but I am so damn desperate for confirmation that it is okay. How pathetic is that? This going on and on certainly isn't helping. Please ignore my posts today, I could have vented this crap in my journal just as easily.
Too many people kick themselves over "setbacks" and "backslides". This is totally unnecessary. You’re human. You’re doing your best, and that’s what counts. And, believe it or not, your W knows you’re human. The important thing isn’t for you to be consistent. The important thing is that you consistantly try.
That’s what your W is looking for too.
It is unreasonable for you or your W to expect perfection.
Also, when you get a little demanding/critical, it’s natural for your W to react negatively. What you’re shooting for is for the negativity to be of shorter duration. Something like:
Tbone blows up W gets mad Tbone appologizes W isn’t mad anymore
Your last post seems to describe this sit, doesn't it? So, relax.
I am scared. Scared that my next backslide will be the end. I feel like I barely survived last time and I fear for my mental health if we go backwards again. I just spoke with my best friend and explained my feelings today. His response was "fear is lack of faith". Very accurate depiction. My faith had been slipping and I guess there is no better time than now to strengthen it.
Thanks for the encouraging words Andy. I am trying to hold my perfectionism at bay but it is getting the best of me lately.
You are very right. I lose my objectivity quite easily. The burning concern driving my fear is I felt pretty good about the R a year ago too and proceeded to get blindsided this winter. Granted I understand better what I need to do but I also did more damage (as did she) since then. I am not discounting what you said at all just explaining where my fear is coming from. What I find backwards is that we live together, eat together, sleep together, go out together, work together, but she doesn't say ILY or make any verbal committments to our R or counseling. On the surface we have a good and happy relationship. Others here live seperate lives, have an OP, but still say ILY and have made a committment to the R. Don't think I want to be in other's sitch's but it just seems weird.
I am getting more comfortable that she doesn't love me and that is why she doesn't say it. My feeling is that she loves what I am and that bothers her. She loves my attributes but not "me". If I were to be damaged physically or financially she would probably be gone. This is from her various comments and actions. That kind of chinks the armor of my confidence. I realize her feelings can change but that it where it is right now.
Anyway, I realize that Dbing is about getting them to fall in love with you "again" regardless of what the feelings are now. My DBing has been weak at best and will continue to improve on this daily. Andy talked about "consistently trying". I will.
Had lunch with W and oldest S and went dress shopping for the party on Sat. Not for me, for her. LOL I would give you the little details but it would make most here bored silly. It went well. I am a lucky man in that we can get along while shopping. Some might say blessed.
I here what you are saying about relaxing. The apologizing is already done so my positive actions will lead me home. More yard work tonight. I have a ton of stone and 2 barn beams in my truck. Nothing lile a little hard labor to reset the hard-drive. Thanks for th pick me up.
You don't even need to explain, tbone. I know exactly where your fear comes from. Believe me!!!
That's why I know how important it is to get your perspective back, and that's why I explained to you how to do it.
It's not original at all. I was probably told 1000 times to look at a broader perspective. In fact it finally clicked in when phoenix last explained it to me.
Nothing new under the sun, eh?
As to the uniqueness of your R... Your sit sounds like a carbon copy of mine. I don't know how much further along the road I am, but I think I'm perhaps a little further than you.
Looking back over the past almost 2 years. Yes, that’s how long I’ve been working at it, I’ve gone from a sit where W avoided me, cringed when I touched her (despite the fact we were sleeping in the same bed. She never moved out or kicked me out) to a point where she has occasionally asked me for a hug. There was an occasion several months ago where she forgot herself and blew me a kiss. Sometimes when I tell her ILY, she says ILY too.
Any way. I’m telling you this because I think you’re on the right track. You say that “on the surface” you have a good R. Well, that’s fantastic. At a minimum, it’s acting as-if things are fine. Do you know how much that affects your (and your W’s) thinking?
BTW, your DBing hasn’t been weak at all. DBing isn’t about turning yourself into something you’re not. It’s about becoming a better person, and that is an evolutionary process. It’s not about becoming a doormat either. It’s about getting yourself and your spouse on the same team. It’s (partially) about learning to cooperate. And, in most cases, that means that you have to do all of the cooperation – at least for now.
Keep up the good work, tbone. It really is working for you.
Thanks a bunch Andy for your perspective. I sure did panic (only here, not in front of her!). She has made great progress, truly trying and I didn't do all the things I could have (can you say perfectionist). You and the rest of my support staff told me the same thing, RELAX.
We worked outside last night for a long time and then had a late dinner and nice talk. She even complimented my hardwork. I was going to do some "maintenance" things but I know she likes to see "new projects" done so that is what I did. The maintenance things can be done some other time. It is so easy to just do what she wants sometimes instead of what I think "should be done". Big baby step, she put up our new family pictures finally. That was one of the things that was a benchmark for me of where our R stood. What a roller coaster I let myself be on, huh. Hopefully, I will mellow with age and gain more "wisdom". Sure will make life easier.
Looking to keep the "hiccups" to a minimum going forward. Thanks to you I will react better when it happens. Have a great weekend.
