As usual you are correct. I have talked with a couple of my friends this morning and done some reflection. What I am experiencing is "my" problem. Security will come in time and no sooner than I let it. Things are much better and the future looks bright but my nerves are still sensitive. I am still working on that acting thing. The hardest part is not telling how I truly feel. Things like I love you, you make me very happy, and I want to always make you happy are so hard to hold in. I haven't told her ILY in 3 weeks. I don't know if that is helping or hurting. We will see how the week goes and will keep working on being patient.
The not telling how you feel is another tough thing, and a tough call. There are a couple of ways to handle it... If you wonder how it's working, a gentle ILY -- kind of throw-away, no intensity, not looking for a response -- can show you. If she runs screaming, you know it's too soon, if she smiles and hugs, well, you're on track. It falls under the "try something different" header, and if you've been behaving one way for a few weeks, it's probably ok to try something else.
Another approach is to turn it back on you, rather than risk pressuring her. jj calls it "catching them getting it right". When she does something that makes you feel good about the R, especially something really small and insignificant, tell her you feel good about it. If that makes her feel good, she'll do more. If not, she'll stop it. (I've had that happen)
Keep your eyes open for baby steps, and acknowledge them -- again, in a gentle, non-commital, throwaway manner. Act as if thats just the way it is, and you just acknowledged it. While you're looking and noticing baby steps, also notice them in YOU! Be sure to compliment yourself when you make them. Like not snooping when you feel the urge. Like saying "Oh you're going out? Hey, have fun, see you later!" Like not taking anything she does too seriously, good or bad, just letting it be.
How is it going? Good advice once again. I have done some of the positive reinforcement things. I just sent her a quick email about how nice the weekend was with her and that I am looking forward to our "date" tonight. It is only a watching a movie after the kids go to bed but we need the private time. We have been working our tails off in the yard and letting the cleaning slip a little. She was going to finish the laundry but was very tired so I told her it wasn't going anywhere and "we" can do it tomorrow. She appreciated the 180. In the past I would have expected that she did it while I was working outside.
The hardest part is I feel like I am in high school and have a crush on a girl but am afraid to tell her. What is doubly hard is I never had a problem telling a girl this before. I think one of my original poems may be in order. Maybe I could give it to her on our way to the "fancy schmancy" party Saturday night. That is the plan. Poem, champagne, romance, Jazz trio, and a a sunset boat ride. That ought to do the trick. Andy and Z, what do you think of the "grand scheme"?
I like the idea of a "throw-away" ILY. Like Z said, if the response to that is negative, then throw it away. However, she may not "run screaming" or smile and hug. In that case, I'd just throw it in from time to time. Kinda sneak it into your sit. After a time, it'll just seem normal.
"normal" ILY's is what you're after, isn't it?
quote:Originally posted by Zebra: Keep your eyes open for baby steps, and acknowledge them -- again, in a gentle, non-commital, throwaway manner. Act as if thats just the way it is...
Keep doing that until that is the way it is.
As to your "grand scheme"... Why not? The whole DB thing boils down to trail and error, doesn't it? Try it, she may like it.
And if she doesn't, then... Oh well, won't do that again.
Normal is good. Normal, everyday, don't have to think about it type ILY would be GREAT. I feel our bond growing a little bit everyday. She is doing the little extras and is doing things that she knows makes me happy. She was only doing things for herself for quite awhile. I have learned to be very appreciative of her through all of this. She is home today and wants me to email her. I responded, I do everyday but you don't resply like you used to. She responded that she has been working very hard and doesn't take time and her email friends are mad at her too. GOOD. I say that because she was so focused on the internet she was neglecting everything else. Anyway, I was thinking about what to write to her. It has become easier for me to write more "intense" things than to say them. More time to "edit". Was thinking of explaining that I haven't been saying ILY because it seems to make her uncomfortable but I hope she knows how strong my love is. When I have said it I believe by her responses (verbal and physical) that she doubts my love or my understanding of what love really is. I believe she thinks that my actions (lack of trust, demanding, etc.)show that I don't love her even though my words say I do. I don't know, maybe just a note about how much I like spending time with her and blah, blah, blah. I am getting sick and tired of calculating everything I do. Can't I just say "you're my friend, my lover, my partner, my world" and "I can't wait to pick out dentures and orthopaedic shoes together". That is how I feel. See why I need time to edit.
Long story short on today. Went as expected. My loving e-mails were received warmly but no fireworks. My call is that her confusion is clearing up but she needs more time to believe that I won't break her heart again. I can live with that. I made big points with her todayby just listening and offering support. More on this later.
I give her a lot more attention than you wise DBers would recommend but she needs a lot. She has been known to dance on a bartop stone sober. I always walk the fine line of smothering her but that is where I think I need to be. Can I really appear confident and strong while showering her with affection? I am getting better at reading her signals (better late than never)of what she wants. Sometimes it is a slap on the backside sometimes it is a kiss on her hand.
I may be out for a few days. W got a call today that our friends husband killed himself last night. Tough situation. They were having R and financial problems but seeing a C and only married a year. Now she is a widow @ 28. We will probably travel to the funeral. Just another example if how bad it could be. Wishing you all well and counting my blessings twice today. Feeling very fortunate just to be able to go home soon to give my W a hug. Man, hugs sure do feel good at times like these. Who turned on the waterfall in my eyes?
you mentioned you are having a tough time dealing with 'why can't I just say it...' She want you to show it. She wants proof. She wants more than lipservice. Guys want everything laid out and organized and measurable. Women want you to figure it out, and walk the walk, not just talk the talk. The want to see solid evidence, not have it reasoned, promised and explained.
Once again Z your wisdom is impressive. You have this knack of seeing right through the situation and saying what I was too blind to see. Isn't objectivity easier from the outside. How many times have I heard "Actions not Words" and obviously it isn't quite sinking in yet. Your wise words will be headed. Thanks again.
Having a great day with W. Went to church and breakfast for oldest S last day of school (Catholic school). At lunch time she needed me to fix her computer at work so I did that and we went to lunch. Last night we watched Oceans 11, good movie. Great one to rent to get your W warmed up (George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Andy Garcia), just kidding. Gave her lots of touching which she likes. I told her ILY very softly and subtly last night and got a cuddle but no verbal response. That doesn't bother me quite as much anymore but I wanted to tell her that.
Z,
I haven't forgot what you said about actions. I did a really good job today and now it is all about keeping it up at every chance. I was very tired last night but offered to help clean up the kitchen, but she said "you are tired just go take a break". Oh, the little things. Her caring about doing her share around the house is an accurate measuring tool of how she feels. And it is even the first week of the month!! PMS usually a nasty time. Don't think that I mention it, I just don't take things too personally.
Check this out, she got green and blue contacts for fun and has been joking about her different "personalities". I am glad she said it and not me.
Please understand that I realize my sitch is not as complicated as most. My hope is that when some of your S start to come back like mine we can compare notes and stay on track to a great R. I will back off on my posts to make way for the more serious cases. I am just a little pumped up about how it has progressed in only 2 weeks.
