Check out Other Half's post called "The Human Animal". It talks about being a strong, confident man like Sean Connery or Robert Redford. I think he is on to something. It sounds like detachment and "acting as if" personified. I think some people are reading too much into it but I think "piecers" like us might be able to use this wisdom to help us walk the last mile to marital bliss. I wonder if "Mapquest" could help me find that place? I have to be careful with this technique because I already have a confidence problem, too much. Give it a read to see if some of it may work for you.
Hey Zebra,
Not to stick my newbie nose where it doesn't belong but could this be your ticket to success. I know showing some strength helped you before. Is it time for more? You have helped me a ton so I am going to keep throwing out ideas and if you get sick of them, just let me know.
Update: W just called pissed off at the world, all except me. Yeaa. I listened and listened some more and said "it will be okay". Oh my, she is turning into me and I into her (I used to have quite an anger problem). We joke about the reversal of roles all the time. I told her I would pick up a tenderloin for dinner with my second "BIG" bonus check of the year. Here is another switch. She said "We don't have to spend it all, and don't buy me flowers either when you stop. We spent enough on the flowers around the house." I told you she can throw "curves" and "change-ups". I think I lightened her mood becuase she said she would "rub" my "tender" "loin" when I got home. Remember, she has a gourmet food shop (beef rub) and I was picking up a tenderloin. Well, I hope I didn't offend anyone, just having a little fun. On my way home to be strong, confident, caring and charming. That sounds even harder than walking and chewing gum at the same time.
People avoid OR talks because they're so heavy and tend to turn into finger-pointing exercises.
You could easily slip into, "Y'see? You're doing exactly what you used to complain about!"... "Oh yeah?"... "Yeah. And furthermore...."
But when you can both see the irony, you're communicating, learning about each other. And, no animosity.
Humour makes you feel good, too. Anything that makes (both of you) feel good when you're together is good for your R.
quote:Originally posted by tbone : On my way home to be strong, confident, caring and charming. That sounds even harder than walking and chewing gum at the same time.
I had terrible dreams last night and I think the instability in my R was the cause. So much for my tough guy attempt, I woke up crying. I want so bad to have an OR talk but I know I can't. Snooping came to mind as well but I fought it off. Patience is not my strong point and it is rearing it's ugly head right now. If anyone has any extra patience, send it my way. I guess I am not busy enough.
quote:Originally posted by tbone : My goal for today is to not let her know my insecurity level is rising again. She hates that. Another question for you wise ones. When I spend a lot of time with my W I feel very good then and for a couple of days after and then I freak. Do any on you go through this? She makes me feel like she couldn't be happier with me and then when we're apart I feel like I am competing for my position.
This tells me that it’s not OR talk time. Yet.
However, I think there’ll come a time when you will want to dive into it. I’ve made several forrays into OR talks.
Sometimes they were info gathering things. Where do we really stand? In some of those cases, I was in for a shock. We were nowhere! But in retrospect, we had really come a long way. It just didn’t seem like it because the OR talk brought out W’s negativity. In the long run, however, they worked. I used them to find new things to change about myself. Or more accurately, to change about the way I presented myself to W.
Once things started getting better, the OR talks shifted ever so slightly from info gathering to info presenting. I started to let her know some of my wants/needs.
The key is to keep it all short. You have a need/want for security. Going on a two hour rant would not endear yourself to her.
So. For now, act secure. Act secure long enough, and you’ll feel secure. Feel secure long enough, and you’ll be secure.
It’s OK to have bad dreams. It’s OK to freak out. It’s all normal. Just keep it to yourself for now.
You spend a lot of time with your W. Keep it up, and keep it positive.
We had lunch again today and I put some fresh lilacs in her bag. She likes the little things I do now. What you said is so right on. It all comes down to "fake it 'til you make it". Not a very good actor here! Working on it though. We do spend a lot of time together and it is 99% positive so I should probably just keep it up. One thing that will take a lot of work is how enthused she is to spend time with other people. She simply seems more enthused with them than me. I probably do the same thing to her and I am just more sensitive to it now. Can you tell that I think too much?
I know what you mean about the long OR talks making them go negative. After the last one I thought I blew it big time. She said some relly nasty things but I asked for it. I did make some pretty strong comments that it took her a couple of days to process and that is when she started the path back to me. I keep forgetting that this is a process.
One more thing I find odd is she doesn't seem to want to go out much. We have had opportunities and she usually wants to just stay home. I am not sure if it is because "we" would have been going out and she wants to go solo or if she truly wants to stay home. Anyway, no signs of EA's from her. She seems more comfortable, doesn't withhold info about her schedule, doesn't make excuses to go out w/o me, etc. The first week of the month tends to be a little challenging so wish me luck. I don't know if it is biological or simply coincidence because she had a hysterctomy last year. I am learning that it works to say "okay" and just walk away. See, I am not as stupid as I look.
Spending a lot of time together is good. 99% positive? How many of us (even those with great R’s) can say that? Keep it up!
quote:Originally posted by tbone: One thing that will take a lot of work is how enthused she is to spend time with other people. She simply seems more enthused with them than me. I probably do the same thing to her and I am just more sensitive to it now. Can you tell that I think too much?
Yeah. I still struggle with that one. A lot! We just have to remember that peoples’ actions don’t necessarily reflect their true feelings. Think of all of the things that your W misinterpreted, and that caused you to come to this BB. Boggles the mind, doesn’t it?
Appearance can be very deceiving.
So, don’t sweat it. Look at the bright side. Though she doesn’t show as much enthusiasm as you’d like, she most certainly likes to be with you. Otherwise, she wouldn’t spend a lot of time with you, and you wouldn’t feel like it’s 99% positive if she didn’t feel the same.
BTW, you most certainly are NOT stupid. You managed to make your way over to the piecing forum didn’t you?
W was very stressed again last night about her business and our extensive weekend plans. I encouraged her to take some time and come outside. She watered plants and planted more vegatation. I was busting my hump prepping topsoil for grass. There is absolutely no fun in that at all but it keeps me busy. She just mentioned how relaxed she was when all of the kid's "wheels came off". Not what she needed, she got a little distant. I tried to just give her space and not let her know it was bothering me. It must of because I dreamt that she told me she was done and this R is over. It was way too real. I kept it to myself today. Well, this morning was fine, I got a slap on the behind when I got out of the shower and then I rubbed her very sore back (too much planting). Another valuable lesson on over-analyzing. She is still stressed today but I am trying to just back off.
I have gotten away from my daily reflections I am doing and trying to control too much again. It sure makes it easier when I turn it over to a higher power but the problem is I keep taking it back. At least I am improving on this aspect a little.
My brother and hid W are taking all 3 of our S to the zoo tomorrow. He is one brave soul. They are great kids but they can get a little wild (okay, a lot wild). Now I get to finish the landscaping w/o worrying about running over a kid with the skidloader. Now that is nerve racking. I am just rambling so I better go.
Thanks again for everyone's input. I'll keep working on not reacting to everything and being more objective. Have a great weekend.
And remember this... If your W is stressed, she's more likely to behave negatively. She's going to be more in need of space.
Ya done good by backing off. Ya done good by not letting it get to you. Because, there was really nothing to it. She wasn't in a state of retreat. She just needed a little space to unwind.
Sounds kinda normal when you think of it this way doesn't it?
Had a good weekend all around. R is in a holding pattern. We have a lot of fun together but I still feel like something is missing. The snooping urge is getting pretty strong again but I know it will just make me feel bad. I will probably see that she is still contacting people, I will have violated her privacy, and broke a promise to myself. Nothing positive about it. My gut instinct is that we are slipping back into the same routine. The only difference is that she isn't going out except for volleyball and then she is home early. She is making more comments about future plans with me. I guess eventually I will just get used to this. My biggest problem is my insecurity with our R.
It is early in the month so I guess I need to keep that in perspective. The last 4 months have been terrible for the first week. If she has to go "out" this week all of a sudden that will speak volumes to the negative. That has been the pattern. All I can do is hope for the best.
Good weekend, fun together. This is all good. You feel like something is still missing?
Perfectly normal. The problem with the initial stages of "piecing", is that you're walking the fine line between the old R, and forging a new one.
You still don't know what form the new R will take, and it's scary.
Don't get your underwear tied in a knot. It's going to take awhile for you and your W to feel "normal"
I know "normal" is a wierd term to use, but the feeling of "normalcy" is what you're after right now.
Now's the time to act normal. Of course, this means that you act as-if you trust her. NO SNOOPING
And... Should she has to go "out" this week, you'll have to muster all of the trust you can. It doesn't necessarily "speak volumes", even if this has been the pattern.
