I have strong opinions too. My ex complained after the bomb that I didn't let her have her way in our living room for the floor. I pointed out that she agreed that the eventual solution (my idea) was the best solution. She said yes, but you that I still didn't listen to her.
So... as I was tellin Mick else where... the In-laws... H's parents... pulled their annual trick... "hi we're here!" They drive for two or three days from their city to ours... never give us advance warning and we rarely know when they are gonna show up.
I used to get very pissed with this complete respect for our time but H and I decided about 5 or 6 years ago that we aren't going to change them. They can show up but we are not changing our plans if they are not considerate enough to talk to us in advance. Several years they've missed us completely because we were heading out of town, or out to friends, and they STILL don't get it. sigh...
So they show up and H is knee deep in um... toilet fixtures and removing yucky flooring.
I watch this man turn to complete mush as his father walks in the door. EVERYTHING he does from the moment that man crosses the threshhold is about looking for dad's approval. I am at work in my office in the "penthouse" and refuse to budge... except to say "hello must get back to work!"
H leaves powder room in shambles, and starts figuring out what to do for dinner. OMG... it was unbelievable watching this capable, talented, articulate man start to do ANYTHING to get dad to say something decent. MIL is a martyr and really just follows along and does what she is told. sigh.... complaining about it to anyone who will listen. She is not well, but has been complaining about her variety of illness for the last twenty years too.
It alwyas gets stressful as I have a hard time buying into this set of family dynamics and saw myself reverting back to some bitchiness. NOW I realize why it's happening. THANKS oh wise COunsellor! H is working hard to get attention from the old man, tries too hard, gets me to buy into the drama and I look at him WTF? it's just a bad movie all the way around. IT's truly surprising I haven't told the old man to bugger off looooooong before now! Respect for H has usually kept me zipped up!
THIS year... I just went with the flow... ignored MILs martyr statements, played sous-chef to H and just stayed calm....
In laws can't stay with us - no spare room for the time being, so off they go to their OTHER home away from home, shortly after dinner. H goes back to powder room demolition, and I grab a glass of wine and go play poker with the 9 yr old... She beat me... plays for pennies. that's a whole other story!
tree... piecing... with a torn bit... but mending it nicely!
Tree - you have got to be Disco Bear. (i have seen the piano pic! ) I will be Giggles. love ya swl
Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear. {Henry Wadsworth Longfellow}
I watch this man turn to complete mush as his father walks in the door. EVERYTHING he does from the moment that man crosses the threshhold is about looking for dad's approval
Hello Tree..........you reelly got something going here. This is the first I've heard about this dynamic though I admit to not having memorized everything you've posted so you might have brought this up before..... One of the difficulties in my marriage was my inability to "stand up to" my fairly intrusive father, who lives only about 30 minutes from here. The family dynamic when he was around would get very squirrelly: My F is controlling, talks compulsively almost non-stop and will be oblivious to everything else, I would get withdrawn and irritable with my poor kids, W would be frantic trying to keep everything cheery, meals would be torturous. It wasn't until the past six months or year that I've finally confronted my own problems and demons with my father, who at 82 ain't gonna change, and have started to have a more realistic and tolerable relationship with him. It's amazing that at my age of 48 years he could still have such an effect on me!
SOOOOOOOOO..........you are doing the right thing. That last encounter you had, in my opinion, showed really good self-caring behavior on your part. I'm serious! It seems to me that you took the single most important step of NOT buying into that dynamic. Keep doing it It would be great to somehow get your H to look at his own behavior and have him learn to overcome this glitch in his development (at some point we are supposed to rebel against our parent's authority and leave that aspect of the parent/child R behind) but then that would be moving into the area of trying to control him or fix him and setting yourself up for resentment.
Maybe someday later when you two talk to each other ( me ducking and running for cover ).
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that's a whole other story! ![[Cool]](images/icons/cool.gif){kind=icon}
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One of the difficulties in my marriage was my inability to "stand up to" my fairly intrusive father, who lives only about 30 minutes from here. The family dynamic when he was around would get very squirrelly: My F is controlling, talks compulsively almost non-stop and will be oblivious to everything else, I would get withdrawn and irritable with my poor kids, W would be frantic trying to keep everything cheery, meals would be torturous. It wasn't until the past six months or year that I've finally confronted my own problems and demons with my father, who at 82 ain't gonna change, and have started to have a more realistic and tolerable relationship with him. It's amazing that at my age of 48 years he could still have such an effect on me!