I think one of the dynamics we miss often in sitchs like yours (all three of you) is one we always tell each other as LBS's, which is that the marriage, if looked at with honest reflection, was NOT good for either of us, it's just the WAS/cheater who DID something about it first. As LBS's, we have to learn what WE didn't like about the marriage and then start the hard work it takes to not only mend ourselves and address our personal issues, but all to make sure we don't even go back to that "bad" marriage again. It's a sobering realization for many of us because it's usually only after the shock of finding out about the affair that we know anything is wrong with our marriage, especially that WE think something's wrong. I know it was for me because I thought my marriage was just short of perfect and when my W dropped the bombs, I was totally taken by surprise...or was I...
How does this apply to your sitches? Well, my thought was that in all three of your sitches, it seems like your spouses have taken the bad news and run like hell. I think it's entirely possible that unlike me (or maybe just like me, who knows) your spouses were unhappy before your affair and the revelation of it is their "get out of jail free card". They may be reluctant to come back not ONLY because of the pain they feel over the betrayal by you, but also because maybe they were looking for a way out, or at the very least, questioning their own happiness in the marriage. Now, with this transgression, they are free to explore their options.
It's sad to think that, but likely some part of it is truth for each of your sitches. The good news is that if this is true, and they were unhappy before, then you know that DB, and it's ideas about identifying the problems in your marriage BEFORE the affair, your personal issues, and then working to solve what's solvable by you alone, CAN work in your sitches to improve things.
You still have to overcome the affair and it's own set of "issues" but maybe if you look past that, as we LBS's have to, to the REAL issues of the marriage, you can find something to work on while he/she comes around. Their anger WILL NOT last forever and maybe if some of the underlying issues are addressed in the meantime, and mainly I mean YOUR issues that contaminated the marriage (and God knows THEY did too, so I'm not saying you are 100% to blame) you can make progress.
I hope this helped in some way. Like I said, random thoughts of the day...
