That's exactly where I am right now. I feel so good when I realize that I will "go on" no matter what. I, too, lost myself for a long time. I think that made me very angry and it came out in ways I'd be ashamed to recite right now. I know I am hugely responsible for the state of my M at the time H met the OW. Even then he was not looking, not pursuing. She went after him. He was "open" to her advances. I think he still holds some anger towards me for that. He says no, he has forgiven me. He says he realizes now that things were not that bad with us and that they were actually turning around when he decided to take the step into infidelity. I think that is why he is having trouble forgiving himself.
I realized today that H rarely tells me he loves me without me saying it first. This was really bothering me. But when I think back over the years, it was never an issue. I knew he loved me. He didn't need to say it. I need to get back to that place. And, the thing is, when I do tell him ILY he returns the sentiment with such warmth and affection that I have to believe it's true. I can't get stuck in who says it first.
I also need to look at his actions more, as he is an action-oriented guy. His actions certainly say more about how he feels about me than any words could. He is a man of few words. He even reminded me the other day that when we were in high school I'd get mad at him for just sitting there and not saying much. I'd try to do something to provoke his anger in an attempt to get SOMETHING out of him.
So, what I'm getting at is that he really hasn't changed. I just get anxious because I THINK he should be doing things a certain way to PROVE his love to me after the A. He is proving his love in a lot of more subtle ways. I just need to be more open to recognizing them.
H just called. His stress-echo was normal. He does have some PVC's that are going crazy, but there's nothing that can be done about that. Everything else is normal. He's very relieved. Me, too.
