H used Wellbutrin several years ago when diagnosed with depression. He choose it specifically for the fact it had no sexual side effects!! Hopefully, he will be open to using it again. Even though he thinks he's not depressed, I would think the fact that he was prone to depression in the past would wake him up to the fact that he might be depressed now. However, he says he doesn't feel the same now as he did then. Well, yeah. The reasons for his depression then were different than they are now, hence, the feelings of depression manifest themselves in different ways.
I fear I have reacted somewhat the same as you in this situation. When his "problem" first started (actually, this has occurred very occasionally for the past 20 years, but usually just one time and then all was well again), I couldn't help but get upset, thinking it was because of his feelings for the OW. I let him know that that was what I was thinking, and how hurt I was. That really upset H and made him just that much more anxious the next time. Seems to have started a cycle that's hard to stop. I could really kick myself now, because it's so obvious that there were no residule feelings for OW. This has only been going on for the last couple of months. Before that, everything was great.
Anyway, I'm determined to relax and let things work themselves out naturally and in their own time. I did tell H over the weekend to remember how it made him feel when he felt I didn't desire him anymore, and then quadruple that in the light of the OW. He was chagrined. Said it wasn't that he didn't want me, but that he's afraid things are going to work right and he'll feel like a failure to both of us again. He says I can't imagine how frustrating it is for him. After all, things get started okay -- isn't it obvious he wants me (yes, dear. Nice erection!!) -- just doesn't seem to make it to the end. But, like I said above, that's starting to turn around again.
Lily,
Yes, I understand what you're saying. I think in the past I was loving him more as the "little Matilda," the child. I know for a fact that that love was conditional. I guess I have left that little girl behind and am now loving my H as an adult -- and, yes, it is unconditional. That is a huge surprise, not only for me but for my H. I think it's taking some time for that to sink in for him. I like thinking about it that way, though. Maybe I've finally grown up, along with my H.
I was thinking just last night that I've gone through some of the most horrible things in life that a child/woman can (suicide of my father, molestation, infidelity) and, incredibly, I don't feel sorry for myself. I just keeping on trucking, one foot in front of the other. I still have the capacity (and the will) to love. I have learned a great deal about myself in this process. I'm starting to really like who I am.
