In my one-on-one session with MC Thursday, C explained that H's love was there, just buried underneath all the other crap (my word!) that he's managed to pile on top. He does recognize that he loves me, but it's distorted because of the way he feels about himself. He also finds it very hard to believe that I can still love him after everything. I will admit (and I admitted this to him, also) that my feelings for him have changed. To say otherwise would be nonsense, and he knows it.
At our joint session on Friday, we talked about the statements H made a couple nights prior -- questioning staying married and whether he was truely committed to me and our R. H told MC that he doesn't know why he said those things except that he was feeling especially down and overwhelmed that night. He's tired of feeling the way he feels about himself; he's tired of hurting me. He wants peace.
MC asked him if he'd find peace in divorce. H stated unequivically, no, he would not. He stated that maybe I (Matilda) would find peace if I didn't have to deal with him anymore and, therefore, he (H) would feel less self-loathing. He also told MC he has not made much progress in forgiving himself. He just hopes it will go away with time.
That was our last MC session, at least for the time-being. MC stated he would like to call us in a couple of months to see how we're doing. H said that would be all right with him. MC really wanted H to continue in therapy. He (MC) had not really spent much time in dealing with H's problems. He wanted to get me on the way to healing first. But I think it is the best thing for H right now to just not talk about it at all with anyone. He been pretty much bombarded with it for a very long time now. He definately needs a break.
I was not comforted by H's retraction of his statements about staying married and being committed. I've come to realize that he tends to say things that are not true in order to either get him off the hook or to avoid hurting me. I mentioned this to H over the weekend. He stated that that was true. I told him I just want the truth from now on; that the truth hurts less in the long run.
I then asked him again about his committment to our marriage. He again said he wants things to work out for us and that he was just having a bad day when he said those things earlier in the week. (I wonder if it wasn't also an attempt to feel like he had some control over his life. He's stated before that he feels like I have all the power and control in what happens with us, so maybe he was attempting to take back some of the control.)
Lily, what you said about him now being able to really so some self-examination and that it's normal for him to question remaining married, I also think is right on. Sure explains a lot of things I've been questioning lately, i.e., why have things seemed to get worse for him while getting better for me since he dropped the bomb 9 months ago.
I know without a question (even though he might question it) that my H wants our M to survive. I think we're both in the process of finding out how to make that happen. I do not want to stay together just for the sake of staying together. I can't do that after all that's happened. I need to feel loved and cherished like I did in the past. I asked H if he thinks that can happen. He said, yes, but he needs time to work through the crap. So do I. I have my own crap to work through. I want to be able to love him again someday without resentment or anger. I still deal with those two emotions from time to time, but it is much less frequent.
As far as the physical intimacy goes, things are starting slowly to get back to normal. Unfortunately, H has been dealing with a lot of physical ramifications of his self-loathing and self-hatred. His chest pressure has turned into irregular heartbeats, which causes him some light-headedness and slight nausea. He is having a stress-echo today. He simply feels physically bad and it puts more stress on him. He's scared. I'm worried. He said something interesting over the weekend, however. Many times over the past 1-1/2 yrs (during A and post bomb) he wished he were dead; just couldn't take the torment anymore. Dealing with possible heart problems has made him realize just how much he likes living and how much he'd still like to do in this life before it's over!! I also feel that once his health issues are taken care of he will be able to better deal with healing himself emotionally.
Yes, Lily, I do love my H -- maybe not like I used to, but I do love him and I will work on nurturing that love to bring it back to its full potential. Oddly enough, sometimes I think the very fact that I do still love H and have reacted to all this is such totally opposite way than H thought I would actually makes him feel even worse about himself. He stated last week how much he misjudged me and my feelings for him. Apparently, in the past he felt that I wouldn't care if he had an A, because he felt I didn't care about him anymore. Well, if that is the way he felt, I must take responsiblity for it. And I do, because looking back I can understand why he'd feel that way.
He stuck with me for years apparently feeling unloved and lonely in our M. I am and will continue to do everything in my power to make that up to him. I just hope it's not too late (for both of us).
Please keep my H and his health problems in all of your prayers.
