quote: Originally posted by matilda on June 20, 2002:
Sometimes I just don't know what to think. One minute H is telling me he's not sure he wants to be married anymore unless his feelings of self-hate go away, and that he's not sure he's committed to OR anymore; but he calls me at least 5-6 times during the day, asks how my day is going, what's new, etc. Today he called to ask if I wanted to go see a movie tonight. Then later he called just to talk about a deal he can get for our satellite though his company. Last night we were making vacation plans. Is he nuts or am I, or maybe we're both nuts!
I have been reading your posts for some time but have not commented. In regards to his waffling behavior, your husband seems to be the male version of my wife. Although my wife insists that she will carry the divorce through, she is constantly calling me, buying me gifts, going places with me, etc. On the one hand she says she refuses to drop her divorce action, on the other she will talk about long-term things like refinancing our house or where we should go on vacation next year.
We live near Michele’s clinic and scheduled a counseling session with Arnold of her office. She agreed to go but when she arrived, she announced to Arnold that she had only come to humor me and that nothing he could say could make her change her mind about getting a divorce. After being totally adamant that she was going to proceed with her divorce action, we spent the rest of the day together exploring a farmer’s market and landscaping our yard.
Like my wife, I believe your husband is so torn within his own emotions to the point that he doesn’t know himself what he wants. We, the spouses, are caught in the wringer attempting to deal with someone whose actions don’t always match their words. This is so difficult because we (especially me) want to approach the problem with logic and common sense—things in very short supply to our spouses at this time.
Arnold and I corresponded by email after the session with my wife and me. Here are some of his comments about my wife which may apply to your husband:
quote: it appears she wants/needs to be in control of the process and the decision making. I think she isn't as convinced of wanting to leave as she wants/needs you/her to believe. This is a pretty classic "tug-of-war" and you must continue to "drop the rope," i.e., don't make any efforts to get her to change her mind…If you can be "cool" and just pursue you're own interest while remaining friendly (most important), forward looking, positive and upbeat, you have a chance in this relationship. However (and this is really hard), you must let her take the lead.
I don’t know if any of this applies to your particular case but there seems to be common threads.
