Sometimes I just don't know what to think. One minute H is telling me he's not sure he wants to be married anymore unless his feelings of self-hate go away, and that he's not sure he's committed to OR anymore; but he calls me at least 5-6 times during the day, asks how my day is going, what's new, etc. Today he called to ask if I wanted to go see a movie tonight. Then later he called just to talk about a deal he can get for our satellite though his company. Last night we were making vacation plans. Is he nuts or am I, or maybe we're both nuts!
I'm going to see our MC in about an hour. I asked to come in and talk to him alone today. I want to discuss some of the things H has told me this week before our joint session tomorrow, try to get his take on it, and give him a heads up before tomorrow's session. I'm hoping that by talking to the MC today and filling him in, he'll have time to formulate the right questions to ask H to find out what is really going on with him.
I also told H that tomorrow would be the last session. H said, well, we'll see. I said, no, he's helped me all he can. I feel I can do the rest on my own. As for you (H) you don't seem to be getting much out of the sessions. H said that that was true. Too bad he's so damn stubborn.
Anyway, Lily, I think this might help ease his stress a little. He really so hates going to the MC. He just hates having to talk about this stuff in front of a virtual stranger. Must be a guy-thing. So I'm hoping he'll be a little more relaxed when it's over and we can stop talking about it even once a week.
Last night I did a great job at giving him space and not making him feel smoothered -- did my usual things that I haven't done in a long time. He wanted to go for a bike ride (for exercise) -- I said great. I went upstairs and watch my soap that I tape during the day. He came back. We had coffee together. He rubbed my back, I rubbed his. Then I took my book and said I was going up to take my shower and read -- t.v. was too boring. He went up and played a video game with S, and when I mentioned how late it was getting, he handed controls over to S and told him to take over.
By the time H came to bed I was very sleepy (taken some sleeping medication). I didn't want to get frustrated with him if he showed no signs of wanting intimacy. He did stroke my arm and played with my hair and we talked a bit, but he could tell I was a gonner so he rolled over and went to sleep. I really don't know how to handle this situation. Never happened before.
Like you, Lily, I had my bout with low libido and also know how it feels to be pressured. I certainly don't want to do that with my H, especially if when we do "get busy" it doesn't work out well he'll just be more frustrated and his self-esteem will plummet even further. The last couple of times it happened he said things like, "I'm no good for anything." "I'm not even a man." Well, gee, if you keep telling yourself these things do you think it's gonna make the situation better or make it worse? Let's think about that one, H. So, I guess in a way I'm afraid of approaching him for fear of making things worse for him. And, on the other hand, like you said, Lily, I want him to know I desire him.
Wonder what to do tonight. I think after this morning H will want to at least make an attempt. I'm not sure I can handle that right now. Even though I KNOW it has nothing to do with me, it's still pretty hard on the old ego, especially after the A.
To take sleeping pills or not to take sleeping pills, that is the question, my friends. (Shakespere, Lily - ha-ha). By the way, we've been to Stratford-upon-Avon, birth place of Shakespere. Highly romantic place for Shakespere lover's. I'd recommend it for a romantic holiday.
