I saw a report on t.v. last night about "male menopause," for lack of a better term. Low testosterone was the culprit. Seems my H has all the symptoms: decreased libido, fatigue (he used to go 100 mph, always had to be doing something. Now, kind of sits and vegetates), problems sleeping, and generally feeling emotionally down. These, however, are the same symptoms of depression -- which can also cause decreased libido, as can stress (H is under a great deal of stress both at home and at work). Stress can suppress testosterone!! H has a doctor's appt. in a couple of weeks. I'm going to ask him to have his levels checked. He has a problem discussing these things with me, let alone someone else. I hope by that time he will see the need and put aside his embarassment.
So, now I'm getting "can't live w/you; can't live w/out you." Can't live with me because of his humiliation and embarassment; can't live without me because he loves me (I suppose). How in the world does one get over the feelings my H has for himself. Seems like just being around me makes him feel bad.
We are still going to MC. We're supposed to go tomorrow. It might be the last time. I don't think he can help me anymore, and H is obviously not receiving any help from going. He seems to get really down before we go and it takes him a while to recover afterwards. I reminded him the other day of the appt and he got that "tone" in his voice of "oh,please, not again." I told him he didn't have to go if he didn't want to, but I think I'm going to tell him I'd like him to be there. If it is going to be our last session, I'd like to finish it together as we started the process together.
Unfortunately, I got a little emotional this morning while lying in bed with H before he got up for work. I tried tentatively to start something -- just touching him lightly. He responded by touching me back, but didn't "go for it." Couldn't help but get the waterworks going a little. This just isn't my H, folks. He always had a high sex drive - to the point of driving me nuts at times.
I asked him if he felt any desire for me at all. He said he did, and that's when I got the "can't live w/you, can't live w/out you" line. He also said he's afraid of not being able to finish, and that makes him shy away for intimacy. It's just too frustrating for him when things don't work right. He's afraid of what I'm thinking when that happens.
I must say when he told me the other night that he wasn't sure he wanted to be married to me anymore, and wasn't sure he was committed to me and OR it really threw me into a tailspin. I always assumed that if I was able to forgive him for his infidelity and was willing to work on OR that would be it. It's hard to imagine that HE can't get over what HE's done and our M may end because of that. That just seems insane to me.
