Yup, that's me, a real babe, that's me [Big Grin] Thanks, Andy. Needed that.

I honestly have no idea what my H is open to. I've explained acting-as-if to him. Sometimes I think that's what he's doing, acting-as-if things were good, because sometimes he does seem like his old self. He just can't keep his demons away long enough to reap the full benefits, however.

Regarding the sex and passion issue, he does initiate intimacy but since having had problems with completing the act it's been less and less that he's initiated. He's always responsive to me when I initiate. I think maybe he is suppressing his libedo out of disgust for where he's allowed himself to go with it.

I wanted to mention that during our discussion last night, I was strangely calm. H even asked what drugs I was on!! I just listened. Sometimes I asked a question, but for the most part I didnt' say a whole lot. A couple of times I did get a little emotional -- it's a girl-thing!! It's hard to hear your H say he's not sure he wants to be married, and it's frustrating because the only reasons he has for not being married is because of how much he hates himself and he needs to stop hurting me and find some peace. He did tell me that he was totally frozen in any decision making regarding OR right now. He's afraid of making the wrong decision and having to live more devastating consequences. I know that feeling.

So, do I just back off completely from any intimate advances? If I initiate I know he will respond, but if he has problems he'll feel like he's failing me yet again. Will it put pressure on him to initiate if I don't for fear of hurting me? Geez, why does this have to be so complicated?

I wonder, when he says he loves me, just not the same as before, is he really trying to tell me he doesn't love me anymore and just can't bring himself to say it straight out? Again, trying to not hurt me anymore. I know he continually asks himself how he could have done the things he's done if he loved me. Maybe the answer he gives himself is that he doesn't love me. Maybe that is why he's so tortured. I don't know. I guess I'm trying to second guess him here, and I know I shouldn't. I should just accept when he says that he does love me even if it's not like before. After all, I don't love him like I did before either. I was hoping together we'd find our way back to that place. Seems like that might not be the case. He's stuck in "I don't deserve" land.

I'm still very calm about this whole thing. I'm not sure why. Maybe because deep down I believe everything will be okay. My little inner voice keeps telling me that he'll find his way out of the hole he's dug for himself. But, then again, maybe I'm just kidding myself.

Matilda